I am also writing two other shows--a highly inappropriate farce which should get a run sometime in either March or April at a small theatre in the city thanks to the murder mystery theatre company I work with. The show promises to be very fun and contain absolutely no artistic merit whatsoever--but a lot of boob jokes. And I am writing an expanded murder mystery to possibly be produced by another startup company a few people from the nude show have started. They're looking to do it in the fall, so who knows? I may have scripts of mine all over this town, and this time, they'll be doing more than lining birdcages! (That's not true--none of my scripts lined birdcages--they never got that far...) I am also in the middle of rehearsals for my next show--Out Of Order, a wonderful farce by the master himself, Ray Cooney. It's a lot of fun, since my character is in every scene save for four. It's a lot of physical exertion and chaos, so I look at it as getting paid to join a gym. The cast is a lot of fun, and I think the show itself is going to be a huge success. But what the hell do I know? I liked Clear Pepsi. I'll also be doing some standup at the end of the month, so if you're in the Chicago area and can make it to the Black Rock Pub at Damen and Addison the Tuesday after Christmas, you can come in and see me making fun of pretty much anything--including myself. I do plan on sleeping at some point, but probably not before the next Presidential election.
I would like to talk today about Tiger Woods. I know that there have been a lot of newsworthy things that have happened between my last post and this one, and god knows that enough people have talked about Tiger Woods. I normally don't like to jump on any kind of media bandwagon, but I think there is something that needs to be addressed that (amazingly) the media has missed, or (more likely) ignored. See, I don't want to talk about the fact that Tiger Woods was unfaithful First off, that's what EVERYBODY talks about, and where's the fun in following the flock? Secondly, I don't think it's that big a deal to merit this much coverage. What. you mean that a professional athlete turned out to have problems with fidelity? Stop the presses! This is something we've never heard before! And the whole thing about it tarnishing his image is a bunch of baloney as well. Tiger Woods' image was that of an intensely private guy who didn't let the media that much into his personal life in the first place. AND I don't see what the big deal about the infidelity is, since it seems his wife was aware he was unfaithful and just wanted it kept quiet. She didn't lose it because he cheated, but because he was indiscreet about it.
So what AM I talking about? The wife. What I think the point of the story is, and what I think the focus of the media should be, is that this woman went batshit crazy and attacked her husband with a golf club. Yes, he was in a vehicle, but still, she grabbed a weapon and attacked him. Why hasn't more been made out of this? Anybody wonder if maybe the reason Tiger spends so much time on the road and HAS affairs is because he got himself married to a batshit crazy, golf-club wielding, SUV-attacking bitch on wheels? Why is this woman given a pass in the media? Because her husband cheated on her? Really? That's it? He sleeps around (which, as I said before, she pretty much already knew about) and because he didn't keep it on the down low as much as before, she takes a club and attacks him and that's okay? For all of you ladies (and yes, I know you're out there, I can hear the hisses of righteous indignation and feminist fury from here) who are bristling at the idea that this woman could possibly be cast in any light other than that of poor innocent victim betrayed by the man she loved, let me remind you that a) she apparently was fine with him getting some on the side as long as he was quiet about it--that lifestyle covers a multitude of sins, apparently...now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger..... and b) what would the reaction be if the roles had been reversed? If she had cheated on HIM and HE had taken a golf club to HER car while she was in it, causing her to tear away and ram into several objects? I suggest that the media would be running stories not about her infidelity, but rather about Tiger's violent streak and his temper and could this be what drove the poor woman into the arms of another man? In short, it would be about the attack, not the cheating. I see no reason why it shouldn't be about that now. The fact the woman was willing to go into that kind of fury and on that sortof rampage speaks to a deeper problem than Tiger sinking his balls into a strange hole.
And may i give Tiger some advice? First, if your wife lays ground rules under which you are allowed to sleep around, STICK TO THEM. That is an envelope you DON'T need to push. Please, I speak for all men when I say, DON'T LOOK THAT GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH! I know it's hard to be discreet when you're followed by photographers all day long, but when you've got that kind of leeway, FIND A WAY. Also, this decision by him to take an indefinite break from golf is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have every heard. First off, playing golf, winning championships and making a shitload of money is what made this woman be okay with your infidelities in the first place (again, I ain't sayin' she's a golddigger....) so pulling out of the thing that made you successful in the first place is pretty damn stupid. Secondly, your image has taken a hit, justified or not, and that means your endorsements may suffer, which will affect your bottom line, which leads me back to the reason above (but she ain't playin' with no broke--) You want your image to rebound? Go out and win another championship....while UNDER meida scrutiny. Coming out on top under stressful emotional conditions is a story that we all love, and will immediately help your image, which will calm down your endorsement deals, which will make you a shitload of money, which will shut your batshit crazy, Big-Bertha-swinging, vehicular manslaughtering bitch on wheels wife the hell up, which in turn will allow you to go back to driving down a strange fairway, if you know what I mean. And really, why the hell do you want to get within striking distance of that woman?
All in all, I think that considering the other stories in the news right now, what with the climate summit, and conservatives trying to make sure that health care reform goes the way of the unicorn, a golfer putting on a strange green is the least of our worries. And certainly less of a story than the nutball woman who tried to use his neck as a tee and his head as a ball. So let's focus on what's important--figuring out a way to get Tiger Woods' fidelity rules into widespread use for men everywhere.... Pond in 2012--Bringing New Meaning to Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
