Falling down the 39 Steps

I'm back in Boston today, first of all because we are performing here tomorrow, which I'm sure will go very well, but also because we had to read the Math show for Spring this morning. Yep. We actually read that piece of crap out loud. Let me be clear about this--my opinion of the Math show (entitled Mathematika--see, the crap starts at the very beginning...) has nothing to do with the fact that the reading of it has kept me from being able to make it into NYC to attempt to get seen for "The 39 Steps" national tour. I understand that the 39 Steps tour would have been a long shot just to be seen, much less cast, so I can't blame the show for me not being there. I blame Spring for rushing this show to the fall tour without ever having heard it. Hell, the script wasn't even done until a week ago, and they've been marketing this thing since the end of the last tour. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. I insist my analysis of this show is based on the merits (or lack thereof) of the show itself, and not the fact its existence and the apparent lack of forethought on the part of our producer has kept me from even the slimmest chance of perhaps having something positive happen for my career. If I sound bitter, it's only because I happen to be. It's yet another indication to me that this concept of being accommodating and forthright in your dealings does nothing but screw you over. I sign a contract and I do everything I can to live up to my end of it. I give myself totally to the job I have, understanding that it comes first, since I have given my word by signing that contract that the job WILL come first. I rarely, if ever, ask for any kind of special consideration or flexibility on the part of the job, and if there is  conflict, I do everything I can to bend over backward so that the conflict impacts the people I'm working for as little as is humanly possible. And the one time, the ONE time that something comes up that might be a huge thing, or at the very least, a hell of an opportunity to at least get seen by a NY casting director and maybe make an impression for the future--an opportunity that, I might add, was happening on a day off, so it would impact my job as little as was humanly possible, what happens? I get screwed out of it so that instead I can sit around a conference table and kill two hours of my life reading a piece of shit script that I can honestly say I could have vomited something better. I really wish i didn't give a shit. I really wish I could just put this behind me and say, "hey, I had a lovely day hanging out in Boston after the reading--it was like a fourth day off." I wish i could be gracious about this whole thing and understand that this is the way the business is (and I do) and that this all happened for a reason. Usually, I turn up my nose at such an idea, but I firmly believe that this DID happen for a reason. And that reason is, people who aren't selfish get shat on. It's a law of the universe--like gravity. I truly wish that I could be the kind of guy who cares about nothing but his own career and is willing to do whatever it takes to advance it, including blowing off a stupid script reading of a horrible show in order to try to get a job that could actually DO something for his career. It seems to me that those people somehow end up doing far better than those of us who try to be loyal and upfront and straightforward in their dealings with other people, and personally, I am sick of it.

It would be easier to take if the show wasn't such a complete waste of pulp. This is a math show for middle and high school aged kids. Now, the first problem with the show is that it doesn't actually teach any math skills. Not a single one, other than going over the order of steps with which to solve an equation. The rest of the hour or so long show is dedicated to discussing the theory of mathematics and the underlying mathematical nature of reality. We discuss probability theory, number theory, prime factorization, and number sequences that represent the basic nature of the universe itself. This is designed to fire children's imaginations about how cool mathematics actually is. The problem is that these concepts are so far over the heads of the age groups we're shooting for that there's no way they're going to be inspired, just confused, especially since these high-minded concepts are not explained very fully, nor are they tied to any concrete practical applications, making it nothing but an abstract thought experiment. Now, I am all for challenging kids to think at the top of their range, but our cast couldn't follow the explanations very well, and while I will admit that actors are not the best judges of math, as adults, we should at least be able to follow an explanation designed for a 12 year old. PLus, schools are less interested in what it is that underlies the nature of reality and more what is going to improve test scores. And to be honest, I think most kids are going to be more interested in that as well. Not just because we need to teach to the tests, which i despise, but because of the fact that without some way of seeing how this stuff connects to our lives, kids are less likely to become inspired by his because they can't really get their heads around it. Add to that the fact that the story revolves around a kid who doesn't see what math has to do with real life who is visited by Einstein and other dead mathematicians who do NOTHING to actually tie math to her real life, and you see the problem with the message. And then there's the writing. The actual speaking about math is usually done in big chunks of monologues by the mathematicians which comes off as dry and lecturey, sure to inspire and amaze. And then the dialogue--the character interplay between the mathematicians and the girl, and the mathematicians and each other, is completely inappropriate for kids. There is no school administrator I know at the middle school level who is going to think that making a coming out of the closet joke is okay. Nor, while describing a pineapple as a majestic fruit, having an effeminate male character get offended by that term, pass muster either. It's stupid. I don't think there's anything wrong with that kind of humor, eve in a kid's show, but I do know school administrators and PTO moms, and they will swallow their tongues. This show is not well-written, it doesn't do what it sets out to do, it does what it does badly and in a boring, dull way, and whatever IS decent about it will have to be removed, so in the end we are left with a bunch of unclear abstract babbling that will end up boring and confusing the kids into hating math even more than they do now. And for this I passed up the chance to maybe get seen for a national tour. I would've preferred sitting in a non-equity lounge the whole day. Oy. End of rant. Just the end.

A Weekend in New Humpshire

Hello and Happy Easter, the one day to drink Rolling Rock, to all of my readers who celebrate such things. To those of you who celebrate such other things, Happy Passover, commemorating some sloppy, yet important paint jobs. Neither holiday particularly lucky for lambs.... I spent the weekend in Concord, NH, where we performed a lovely show on Friday, and had absolutely nothing else to do for the next few days. It was bliss, especially considering the fact the hotel had a whirlpool. Ah, all the comforts of home. That's not true, actually, because I've never lived anywhere that had a whirlpool hot tub. Or a supply of never ending coffee I didn't have to make. But I digress.

Most of the weekend went without incident. Concord, NH is a charming little town, which has an unusually high population of pizza joints. In walking around on Friday after the show, looking for a place to have lunch, I think I passed about ten pizza places in about 4 blocks. It's a little silly,  think. I certainly don't imagine pizza when I hear the words "New Hampshire." But there it is--pizza everywhere you look. Concord, NH is to pizza places what Albany, GA is to pawn shops. But I did manage to find a couple coffee shops/cafés that fit the bill. Apparently if you don't open a pizza place in Concord, you open a coffee shop/café. But there is a mall (and I use the term loosely) within 2 miles, along with a shopping center near the hotel, so there are other places to go if you need neither pizza nor coffee. Which is good, because once one leaves college, one does discover needs that cannot be fulfilled by either of those substances.

Today was very relaxing. Had Easter lunch at Outback, because most everything else was closed. Silly states where the majority of people are Christian..... Spent the rest of the day doing as little as possible. The only productive thing I did was the laundry, which is the way it should be on a Sunday, I feel. I don't understand how they figure Easter. All the other holidays are on the same day every year, but not Easter. It's tied to whenever Passover is, and I don't quite understand that. They have nothing to do with each other. One is a celebration of sidestepping a plague by painting your door with lamb's blood, and the other is celebrating a guy walking out of a cave. Weatherstripping would have been a lot less messy for the first one, and there'd be a lot more people interested in the story of the second if after he walked out of the cave, he sparkled in the sun and began a moody romance with a teenage girl in a way that would be inoffensive to Mormons. But that's just my opinion. For whatever reason, Easter shows up at different times, and even different months. And one has to wonder how the Jews feel about it. It really does seem like the Christians are stalking them, waiting for their holiday to happen, then pouncing, throwing their much larger (and better advertised) holiday in everyone's faces, with their eggs and chocolate rabbits slipping and sliding around, messing up all that lamb's blood, causing the peeps to look positively ghastly. I say leave the poor Jews alone. Let them have their holiday, and we have some IBM übergeek figure out what the exact day Easter happened and we make it THAT day. Same one, every year. Saves confusion and cuts down on math.

Now, as riveting as that all surely was for you, it is the story of Saturday night which is the real reason I am posting. Saturday night Flo and I ventured into downtown Concord in order for Flo to have her first drink in 40 days, having (foolishly) given up alcohol for Lent. At midnight the day before Easter Lent ends, so it was time for her to get her drink on. (I am so attuned to the lingo of the younger generation.) We ended up at the only bar in Concord that was open past like 11. So there we are, sitting at a table, bourbons at the ready, sipping away, when I happen to glance up at the several TVS that line the walls of this fine establishment. (The name of the place is the Draft--some of you may want to remember that should you ever visit Concord.) Now, there are many TVs, and most of them have been showing various sporting events and reports. Major League Soccer was just finishing up, and as my eyes roamed the televisions, I stopped dead in my visual tracks and did what can only be described as a large double take. Surely I thought to myself, I couldn't be seeing what I thought I was seeing. Surely I am not looking at an attractive young woman giving a sturdy young man a skilled and extremely energetic blowjob. I stared a little longer, waiting for the image to be replaced with the postgame show, convinced that I was the victim of a cable signal crossup. But it was not to be. The scene changed to the same two people now engaged in other energetic acts of coitus, and enjoying the hell out of them, by the looks on their faces. Or at least I assume by the looks on their faces--who the hell notices faces? Well, Flo noticed me noticing something and turned to see what I was looking at. Suffice it to say, she was surprised. I then heard other people around the bar noticing. There seemed to be a gender split, if you can believe it, with a number of shocked "Oh my Gods!" coming from what sounded like female voices and several "Oh YEAHS!" coming from male voices. I myself was taken aback. I have no problem with porn; on the contrary, I am usually a staunch supporter of it. And I certainly have no problem even with porn in public places. I just would've liked to have been told--to have some advance warning. A sign maybe, saying something like, "Saturday Specials--a dozen hot wings for 3.99 and hot beef injection for free!" or "Cum on in for Spunky Saturdays!" Just something to let me know what to expect. 

I then wondered if this was something that happened all the time, since the waitstaff didn't seem fazed by it, and it went on for a long time--scene after scene came on, with different performers. And let me explain something--this was not 3 in the morning Skinemax--this was full on, closeup, money shot porn. It was amazing. I thought perhaps it was a social experiment, to see who noticed and what they did when the noticed. But since it lasted a whole hour, I started to believe that the owner of the bar had given up porn for Lent and was doing the same thing Flo was doing--having a stiff one. It was then that the whole thing got even crazier. Just as I was getting used to the idea of what was happening, I turned away, then back to find that the porn had disappeared from the little TV in the corner where I had first seen it, and instead had appeared on the giant movie screen-sized TV to my right AND the two TVs behind the bar directly in front of me. I was surrounded. It was so unexpected (the giant TV had just been showing men's NCAA hockey) that I did a huge take and almost jerked myself out of my chair. Let me rephrase that.... I almost fell out of my chair. Flo and I spent eh rest of the evening talking with each other as if we were wearing blinders. Easter is the time of year celebrating when Jesus rose from the dead, and apparently in New Hampshire, that celebration is expressed through reverse cowgirl. 

It was then that the truly sad news was brought to us--after a mere two rounds of drinks, we were informed that the bar stops serving at 1 a.m. New Hampshire is lame, no matter how much porn they show. My administration will fix that. Pond in 2012--No PORN! (without booze)

Out of the woods

Oh dear gentle readers! I am so glad to once again see you! I thought I would be banished to the wilds of offline forever, never to return, leaving you all wandering, lost, alone and unguided through this vast wasteland that i the Internet, and the even more vast wasteland that is day to day existence. I had made the decision tat Tuesday's day and journey weren't that important, so I did not post about them. I knew that Wednesday would be good, since we were to leave NJ (where we went after our Dover, DE show) and pick up a bathtub for the photo call on Thursday. Yes, we needed a bathtub because we were taking pictures of the math show. Yes, Chamber has a Math show. For those of you who haven't heard about it, now you have. And trust me, you're going to get an earful about it tonight. But first thing's first. 

Tuesday went very well, eve though it was a middle school. And the drive to NJ was also very easy, so now you know why I didn't feel like there was anything THAT blogworthy. The only major news is that Schneider got REALLY sick. He was feverish, with chills, aches, and fatigue. Lie death-warmed over sick. When Bob informed us of that, we picked him up some Gatorade, because I was of the opinion that the medication he was taking had sapped him of electrolytes. I;ve had experience with this. It turns out now he is okay. Not 100%, but okay. Oh, and we learned tht since Levitt seems to have the habit of forgetting to check us OUT of the hotels she checks us INTO, Alice's charge card has been charged for $400 for helping check us in at NC many weeks ago. Yep, instead of switching things over to the company card, Levitt somehow managed to screw that up ND forget to check us out, so they just went with the card on file, which I guess was Alice's. And Levitt's reaction? "Weellllll...that's something you;re going to have to figure out yourself with the bank and credit card company. I think I have the receipt. If you remind me I'll see maybe if I can find it, and remind me and I'll mention it to the office if I get the time." I have no comment on that which could in any way say more than her words themselves. This woman is vile. period.

Wednesday dawned with Schneider still sick, so Flo accompanied me in the truck to drive from NJ to Boston to pick up the bathtub. We added Ted to the truck since we had been told it was a real bathtub and very likely really heavy. So we head off. If anyone here has ever seen the movie "The Cheyenne Social Club" you will have a greater understanding of what Flo and I went through over the next 6 hours. First of all, it took us half an hour to figure out how to turn around to get on the turnpike in the right direction since you can't make a left turn in NJ. Then, once we did get on the turnpike, Ted launched into what was, save for an all-too-brief 30 minute nap, an uninterrupted narrative of anything that crossed his mind--the more insignificant, the better. See "The Cheyenne Social Club", starring Henry Fonda and Jimmy Stewart, and you'll see what I mean. Just the opening scenes will give you an idea of the nonstop yammering. I love Ted--he's a nice guy. But Jumping jesus on a jackhammer he will not shut up! That was wearing on us by the time we pulled into Boston to take the truck to Ryder to allow them to do a routine inspection. We have been out of the truck for a grand total of five minutes when the Ryder lady comes in and tells us that we won't pass inspection because we are missing a light (we knew that) and have a crack in our windshield (which we've had since we picked the truck up.) but they won't give us a rejection because then we couldn't drive the truck. They suggested that some day when we can just let the truck sit for a few days, to go have the windshield fixed somewhere ourselves. I was all for that because it meant we could take the truck, instead of the other option, which was to get a new truck and cross-load (flashbacks of the Parkway Twins!!!) I phoned Levitt and told her, and she talked to the Ryder lady and it was decided we would get a new truck and cross load and let them fix the windshield for us. Oh, and all the other cast members were at the hotel. Levitt was going to join us to help, but it would just be the four of us. Yes, you read that right. Then I found out that after our show in Concord, NH (where we are now) we would drive back to Boston on Monday (we have to anyway because we're doing a reading of the Math show for Spring (more on that and how it's ruining my one shot at stardom later) and RELOAD everything into our old (now fixed) truck. My back was screaming at the thought. So, undaunted, we begin. Because really, what else can you do? We pull everything from one truck and shove it up on to the other. No major difficulty, save for dropping the door cart off the lift gate. Thankfully nothing was broken, be it scenery or actors, but it did wake us all up. The worst part was taking the wooden shelves out of one truck and rescrewing them into the new one since we're going to have to redo it all again on Tuesday. We were informed that since we're doing a show Tuesday in Boston, we'll unload the new truck, Levitt will go get the old truck, which we will load into after the show. That at least went alright. 

So yes, I cross-loaded another Chamber Truck. I can't believe it. Thank goodness I had two other people with me instead of just one, or else it may have killed me. And Flo had helped load the truck before, down in Naples, when Schneider had hurt his back, so that worked out alright. And even Levitt was helpful. Amazing, I know. But we got it done in about an hour and a half or so, and then the three of us went off to pick up the bathtub. Which turned out to be a) light as a feather and b) on wheels. But considering it gave us a third person to help with the truck, I completely forgave Levitt for giving us messed up info. But that's it. I'm done. No more touring where I have anything to do with the set unless it fits into the back of the same vehicle the rest of us ride in. Otherwise, I want to ride a bus and show up at the theatre with everything all ready for me to perform on. At this point in my life and career, I don't want to have to play crew member as well as act. At least not for a place like Chamber. I don't want to have to know DOT regulations, or spend an hour and a half after every show fighting with ratchet straps. I just want to be an actor. That is my diva moment. Thank you for bearing with me.

The rest of the night was uneventful, and we got up bright and early today to get to Pat's university for the photo call. Now here's the crazy thing about Chamber. They took a bunch of pictures for Encore and Classics this fall. I knew we were taking pictures of the Math Show, but we were also taking pictures of encore. All the same pictures we took before. Nothing majorly new, nothing that they couldn't just use old photos for (and by old, I mean from this past FALL) but nope, we had to spend from 8 in the morning until 4:30 in the afternoon changing costumes and makeup and (in my case) having your hair sprayed deepening shades of black throughout the whole day. AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhH!!!!!!! The Math show pictures were okay--at least they were new. I got to play Blaise Pascal. (Yep, it's THAT kind of math show) and since Pat hates photo calls, we were basically allowed to do whatever we wanted while posing. Ted was playing Einstein (I told you it was that kind of show) so we were having a lovely time. You ain't heard "Sisters" until you've heard it sung by two mathematicians. But the rest of the day was long and full of drudgery. They never schedule these things right. I was wearing the Tell-Tale narrator costume as Pascal, and after the math show pics were done, they wanted me to change into Ichabod while they put everyone else into Monkey's Paw. I suggested we take the Tell-Tale narrator pics first. Nope, that had to be last. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. So we wasted two hours while everyone was getting into makeup taking no pics. Oy.

You may be asking what is the math show about? Well, I'll tell you--ALbert Einstein comes back from the dead to help a little girl be more interested in mathematics. He does so by bringing back other dead mathematicians to talk about their discoveries and show her the wonders of the mathematical world, which would in theory, inspire her to pay attention to her studies. So it's like Billa dn Ted's Excellent Adventure with numbers. The problem is that what they talk about is so advanced that no middle or lower high school student would be able to grasp it. Add to that the fact the show is only to be an hour along so it goes by fast, and that means that the extremely advanced stuff they talk about is not explained in any kind of detail. It's zoomed through. Nor is it shown how any of the things we talk about relates to real life. The kid's main objection is that math isn't needed after school. The show doesn't really help disprove that. And the banter among the mathematicians, while funny, is of such a nature that np school administration would be cool with it. We have people calling Pascal a fruit, and making a coming out of the closet joke about him. We also have the show explainig the Fibonucci sequence (Yep, THAT kind of how--that sequence, in case you're wondering goes like so--1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55....can you see it?) by using the example of multiplying rabbits, done with "Let's Get It On" playing underneath. ANd these people expect school administrators to be cool with tis? Forget it! The final problem is that while it doesn't give any practical application for math, meaning there's nothing kids can take from the show in order to do better in math, it also doesn't do anything to inspire anyone to become excited about math, because while the characters are okay, the stuff isn't explained well and it's too over their heads. It drives me crazy that we're giving up a day off to come into the city and read a play that shouldn't be advertised as ready to perform, AND it doesn't do anything of what it wants to. It's a good star, if the guy would bring the math level down to earth and instead of waxing philosophical about the beauty of mathematics, he worked in some decent real-life skills that use math. Oh, and there's also the moment in the show when Pascal gets 45 volunteers from the audience--yes, you read that right 45 KIDS! He does this in order to demonstrate a problem in probability theory. You try to get that many kids to stand up and pay attention, and I say it's more like chaos theory. People are stupid. Has SPring not read this? Or is she so blind that she has no real idea what schools will accept? I am so glad I won't be back to even have a chance to play in that show. Ick.

So that's been the last two days, gentle readers. We have a show tomorrow, then we spend the weekend here in NH. Four nights without having to go to a new hotel. ANd this one has a whirlpool. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. That's nice. But fear not--the internet connection doesn't completely suck here like it did in South Boston, so you won't be deprived of my wit and wisdom again. You know everything I do, I do it for you. Pond in 2012--Not Afraid to Use Bryan Adams Lyrics to Win....

Weighing in.

Hello gentle readers, from Dover, DE. it has been quite the day, let me tell you. Today was the day we were to have two shows, then drive for 6 hours. What today became was a lesson in jsut how swiftly one's assumptions about a day can be turned on their heads. It started out badly when Schneider led us to the wrong venue this morning. He had insisted he knew where it was back on Saturday, when we arrived, and Levitt believed him. As it was, he didn't. Though I do understand why he thought he knew--the name of the venue was the Arts of the Albermarle, and where he took us was the College of the Albermarle. Luckily, nothing in Elizabeth City, NC is far away from anything else, so we were able to find our way to the actual venue. Or should I say the van was able to find their way. Levitt left us behind at two different stoplights, apparently thinking that we were in some way able to follow their vapor trail like a Romulan Bird of Prey. ( A tip of my hat to the Trekkies out there.) Thankfully, we were able to catch up with them. Had we bee in an actual city, we would still be driving around looking for them. The venue was a storefront arts complex which had a newly renovated theatre...on the second floor. That's right--anyone feeling a sense of deja vu? I was terrified. Especially since we showed up at 7:20 for a 7:00 load in and no-one was there. We discovered that the venue had the load in time as 7:30, so Tim's delay turned out not to be the huge problem we had originally thought it was. There's turn around #1. Once we discovered that the theatre was on the second floor, we took a ride in the (way too small) elevator to check out the space. It was lovely, and tiny. And it had a long, steep staircase that led from the street up to the theatre space that we could bring all those nice heavy set pieces up that were too big for the (did I mention way too small) elevator. I prayed as only an atheist could that we would end up doing a no set show, and somehow my prayers were answered. I guess I have to finally admit that sometimes, the fact our stage manager can't handle stress well comes in very handy. So there's turnaround #2.

As we were setting up, I started to realize that this day was turning out pretty damn well, considering what we had thought it was going to be. Now, I certainly wasn't doing backflips about the day, since we still had to do two shows and drive for a long time back to Delaware. True, the front end of the day wasn't going to be as big a pain in the ass, but we still had the back end...so to speak. The first show went amazingly well. The kids (not that there were many of them) were very engaged and reactive, so the show itself was a lot of fun to perform. The minute the show came down, we immediately went into reset mode, trying to put the show back together again for a second show that was slated to start within an hour AND scarf down whatever we had managed to bring for lunch, since we weren't going to have time for anything that resembled an actual meal until after the second show. As we started these preparations, Levitt came back and told us all to stop because they might be canceling the second show. Ye, you read that right, ladies and gentlemen, cancel the second show--the show that they had just ADDED three days ago. The show which was to start in 45 minutes. And guess what? They did. So all of a sudden, we were going to get on the road for Delaware at some time close to when we would normally get on the road. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact I had to wait with the truck while three school buses loaded the first audience right where I had to park to load out, we would've been on the road by 1:30/1:45 at the latest. As it was, we were out by 2:00, me driving the truck, raring to get to Delaware with enough time to enjoy not being in the truck. So there, ladies and germs, is turnaround #3. All in all, the day was going gangbusters. Add to that the fact Flo and I only made one very short stop in order to gas the truck up and therefore were making incredibly good time--a little under an hour away from Dover at 5:45--and you can see I was rethinking the entire day, and doing mental backflips.

I would like to bring the curtain down on our little play right here and let the audience leave this virtual theatre with a song in their heart and a smile on their face, secure in the knowledge that sometimes, things just go right in the world and good people get rewarded for letting their stage managers live. I would like to do that, but to do so would be hypocritical. Because didn't I say at the beginning of this post that I had learned a lesson about assumptions and how quickly they can be proven incorrect? Yes, I did. No, seriously. Look, scroll up to the very beginning and you'll see. Go on, I'll wait. See? It's okay, just try to pay more attention from here on out. Where was I? Oh right, hypocrisy. So since that is the lesson I am trying to impart, I must impart all aspects of it, including this last bit which, sadly, is nowhere near as enjoyable (for me, at least) but just as entertaining (for you, at least). As we were about to cross from Maryland into Delaware, we pulled into a weigh station, as we are required to do. I rolled onto the scale and waited to be waved through, as we always are. Ah, there's one of them assumptions. We were waved into the lot for an inspection. I was not originally worried about this, as it had happened before and as long as the driver's logs are up to date and the registration on the truck is in order, everything's usually fine and you get to pass. I got turnaround #4 when i saw the inspector who was going to do the honors. Blue cop fatigues, flip up sunglasses, and a crewcut which made one think of astroturf. I knew I was dealing with someone who wanted to be perceived as a hardass. BUT, all my paperwork was in order, so I was sure that as long as I didn't do anything like snort coke in front of him or tell him I was hauling a bunch of illegal Mexicans to find freedom as landscapers and busboys, I would be okay. Turnaround #5. If our truck had been a person, this guy just gave him a rectal examination with a billy club. He examined everything--even having me open the back of the truck so he could make sure I wasn't actually carrying those Mexicans. Thank goodness he missed the Al-Qaeda members huddled behind the wardrobes. But he even checked to make sure the latch n the strap holding our fire extinguisher in the truck cab really latched. AND it turns out that the way we've been filling out our log books is wrong. Or, not wrong, but not doing us any favors. I was informed that I was in violation of our 60 hour clock rule. I replied that I was not aware that I was in violation of the 60 hour clock rule because I was no way aware OF a 60 hour clock rule. Apparently, we are only allowed to accumulate 60 hours of on duty time per seven day period. This on duty time includes driving to the venue in the morning, performing, and driving to the next hotel, be it in the van or the truck. So the entire cast accumulates the same amount of on duty hours, regardless of whether they drive the truck. But driving the truck after you have logged more than 60 hours means you are in violation, and can be fined (In Maryland) a minimum of $280 and forced to not drive OR RIDE in the truck for 10 consecutive hours. And this guy would've made me find a hotel and crash, even though Flo could've driven the last half hour to 45 minutes. While this is going on, I am agog at the fact that somehow something like this has been left out of our trucking education. But, I figure it's not necessarily Levitt's fault since she only passes on what the office passes on to her. He tells me that since I am unaware of the rule that MIGHT get me a break. He then proceeds to have me check all my lights. He does this by standing in front of the truck and shooting me hand signals which, I swear to god, look like he wants me to steal second. I have no idea what he's asking me to do, as he is merely lifting his hand up in the air. I discover this is the universal signal for high beams. Checking the directionals I get, and then he holds up four fingers. Flo, getting into the spirit of the game, guess four way flashers. She is right, and takes a commanding lead due to difficulty of program. He then lifts his leg. Neither one of us gets this, and to be honest, I have completely forgotten what it was. He then goes to the back and commences to insist I bunt, hit away, and enter a slalom race. I am aghast at what I am having to go through with this yutz. Then he disappears into his little I can't be a real cop because I'm too fascist even for the state troopers so they stuck me here to screw with truckers house and I wait to find out y fate. I have determined that Chamber will pay any fine I receive since they are the reason I am here. I have everything filled out as they told me, thus any fine incurred is their responsibility. Yeah, take THAT Spring Sirkin!

It turns out that, after being summoned to the guard shack, I am to be given a warning and let go. There are a couple of repairs to be made to the truck and he explains to me how to make sure I'm keeping track of my 60 hours, then turns me loose with a "have a good day and break a leg." Oh yeah, I love weigh station cops. The rest of the ride was uneventful, and we ended up getting there about 15 minutes behind the van, so the hour--yes, gentle readers, the HOUR we spent in the weight station actually did us a favor. But there you have it, just when the turnarounds were making me believe things were going to be great, WHAM! Now it could've been worse, I know, and I appreciate the fact that he let me go with a warning. Of course, I had to talk to Levitt about it and be told that she had informed us all about the 60 hour rule on several occasions, at which time I called bullshit and told her to her face that she never told us, which she didn't. She put it off what she called "talking about this hourly thing we have to do on the driver's logs" from our first meeting about the driver's logs to the next, and never brought it up at the next one. When I reminded her of this--in her hotel room, in front of her roommate, Flo, who also remembers NOT being told about it (And after taking a poll of the rest of the cast the subject is unanimously agreed on)--she gets all sullen and defensive and ends the conversation. It's nuts since I wasn't attacking her--I just had said we didn't know, meaning the office hadn't informed her to inform us--and she jumps right to getting defensive and snarky. She makes my butt itch.

So there you have it. Oh, and here's the icing o the cake. I was going to head to NY this coming Monday to audition for the national tour of the 39 Steps, because we had a show canceled that day, and we would be nearby. Well, it turns out that won't be happening. Why? Not because they booked a show, oh no. Because instead, Spring wants us all to come into Boston that morning at 11 and read for her the new script they have at Chamber--for a math show. Yes, a math show. Great moments in Math History or something. It'll take two hours, tops. And the audition runs from 10-6. But I was going to have to be there really early to try to sign up to be seen as a non-equity actor, so the whole thing is pretty much a wash. I'm sending my H/R in, but let's face it, there's no chance now. Whatever. The hilarious thing is, this is the only time in either tour that I wanted/needed time to go do something for my freaking career, and it got screwed over by a dumbass math show. Just proof positive that the last thing we need is more math. Vote for Pond in 2012--He won't let Math Divide the Country....

Carolina on my mind....

Hello, gentle readers! I am speaking to you (well, typing, technically speaking...well, technically typing) from Elizabeth City, NC, a lovely little town that I believe it's great to be from. Yeah, it's a little....um...podunk is, I believe, the correct term. But it was a very nice place to spend a day and half. That is, once we finally got here on Saturday. I didn't blog yesterday mostly because there was nothing to talk about, and I was exhausted from what had turned into an epic struggle of man versus traffic as well as man versus crappy woman driver. Yes, we drove from Delaware to NC. And I was in the truck with everyone's favorite stage manager, who insisted on driving. The problem? The truck won't go faster than 65 to begin with, and Levitt seems to think that driving any faster than 50 is unsafe. Oy. And we hit traffic in three different places--most of which were rubberneckers for minor accidents. Good lord. So we left at about 9 a.m. and got into NC at about 6:30. Someone shoot me. The only time we made any time was after I started driving. And that was canceled out by the fact that Levitt couldn't read my GPS and kept missing turns and sending me down the wrong way. But we made it and I managed not to kill her. So all in all, it was successful. Today was spent basically trying to enjoy the heck out of a beautiful 70 degree day before our two-show 6 hour drive day tomorrow. We also discovered just how much like a spiteful 13 year old girl Levitt really is. Read on, Macduffs!

When we got here on Saturday, Ted discovered that he had lost his keys. Now there weren't any keys of any importance on his keychain other than the van and truck keys. The personal keys he had were for unimportant or old things, so it wasn't that big a deal, but at the same time it vexed him, as it would any of us. Well, when Flo returned from her family funeral today, she ran into Ted and heard about how he had lost his keys. She was a little surprised since she had found his keys in the van Friday night when we got into Delaware and before she left for Maryland with her family. She handed them to Levitt and told her they were Ted's keys. At that point, Levitt said, "I'll hold on to these until he goes crazy looking for them." Flo thought she was joking. She wasn't joking. She never told Ted she had the keys. And after Flo revealed she did, and Ted asked her if she had his keys she said, "Oh yeah, I might." Then, once he took the keys, she asked Flo, "So how long did he go crazy before you told him?" People, this is the level of maturity Chamber Theatre puts on the road in charge of their tours. It's pathetic. It's childish. It's silly and mean-spirited, and I really would expect better from someone in a position fo any kind of authority. I can understand doing something like asking him Friday night if you could borrow his keys, watching him flail for a couple minutes, then give him the keys. But to purposely hold them for two days to see how much of a froth you can whip him into is like elementary school. I'm getting too old for this shit. I'm tired of being told what to do by people who don't know how to do their own jobs and who seem to prefer to act like children and who obviously peaked in high school when it comes to people skills. I mean joking around is fine, but come on, that's just silly. 

Other than that, the day was very relaxing. Didn't do too much, other than get into a mini-debate on facebook about Socialism and why it shouldn't be treated like a four letter word. I had to listen to some guy try to make the argument that if we allow universal health care and education, that would be the first step to the government being allowed to tell you what to do for a living, where to live, how much money you could make and otherwise curtailing the American way of life. Let me say this right now--everyone out there STOP using slippery slope arguments. They are fallacies. They do not work, and they are specious reasoning. They sound really convincing, but if you actually look at a slippery slope argument, you should be able to pick out the major flaw in it. That is, namely, that the slope is never that slippery. Universal health care will in no way automatically lead to the government telling you what kind of house you can live in and where. For that to happen, allowing universal health care would have to carry along with it the necessity of giving up any concept of checks and balances, which is the only way that we could all of a sudden find ourselves forced to accept governmental control of every aspect of our lives. On every slope there are plateaus where societies can either cease their journey or decide to take the next step down the slope. But they are able to MAKE THAT DECISION. The only people who buy into slippery slope arguments are people who don't want to do the critical thinking required to make an informed decision. They are the main tool of people who wish to convince people to believe a position based on fear and paranoia instead of sound reasoning. So STOP letting those people get away with it. Besides, we've already proven in this country that you can socialize some things and then stop. Welfare, social security, Medicare, farm subsidies--all are forms of socialism. Yet somehow we've managed to still be a profit-driven society that allowed rampant capitalism to screw up the economy yet again. And we all still get to choose how much money we want to make, and where we work and where we live. Amazing, isn't it?

MY feeling is this, and this is the main gist behind the platform planks I've been filling the last few blog posts with. Yes, i know my positions are short on detail. That's what the Cabinet is for--to help inform me about details and the actual workings of things. (Which I would also study were I to make an actual run for the White House) Those people would also be picked from the forefront of those areas--the on the edge thinking rather than the old guard. But the point is, I am not blind to the fact that right now everything's very vague. But when you boil it all down, my position is that what else is a government that is for the people, of the people and by the people for but to educate their people? To ensure the ability of those people to keep their health? To pursue ways to keep the economy competitive and stay on the forefront of technology instead of letting it be outsourced? To keep the country as independent as possible by being willing to listen and discuss differences with other cultures? The government should serve the people, not the other way around. So if that means we need to embrace things which smack of socialism, then so be it. To reject ideas out of hand because they can be lumped under a general banner like socialism is to be very arrow in our thinking indeed. And narrow thinking is NOT the American Way of Life. 

I would also like to say that should you vote for me in 2012, you will be casting your vote for a White House that knows how to have a good time. Think of me as the best of the Reagan White house--great hair, good sense of humor--and the best f the Clinton White house--intelligent leadership, hot interns. Who WOULDN'T want that as the face of America? Plus, you can forget any scandal that would attach itself to my administration. First, I see no reason to hide anything, and secondly, all my interns will swallow. That's right--Pond 2012--Clinton without the DNA evidence. God Bless America!

Ask Not What I can do for You

Because really, I'm not that altruistic. Hello, gentle readers. I know you must be wondering why I haven't blogged before this, and the only thing I can tell you is that it is due to the fact we have had hellish drives the past two days after shows, which have left me with little energy to do more than crawl into bed and weep silently until I lose consciousness and dream of a world whereall tours will be run in a way that takes the well-being of their actors into consideration. Both yesterday's show and today's show went very well, at least the performance thereof did. Yesterday in York, we ended up losing lights for half of Act I because we had too many lights for the circuits in the school. Again, STOP trying to cram everything into a space that is not built for it. And today's load out was postponed halfway through because we had to load the truck in the same space as the buses, and then, while we were wiling away the time waiting for the kids to leave, a thunderstorm opened up, making us wait even longer to get back to the truck and continue getting ready to get the hell out of Carmel, NY and down to Newark, DE. (Which is where we finally ended up.) The drive from York, PA to Danbury, CT (which is where you stay when you perform in Carmel, NY, apparently--gotta love Chamber!) was long dues to distance. The drive from Carmel, NY to Newark, DE tonight was long due to the fact that a) the entire state of New York feels it is their duty to make travel as difficult as possible for anyone NOT driving through New York City and b) no-one in this part of the country knows how to drive when it rains. We were trying to get to Delaware as quickly as possible for Flo's sake, since she was getting picked up by her parents to drive to Maryland to attend the funeral of her grandfather on Saturday. But trying to find a way from Carmel NY to Delaware that doesn't take you through the city of NY proper is a pain in the ass. Especially since you end up having to go north and east in order to go south and west. Have I mentioned I HATE New York? The, when we finally DO get on the stupid New Jersey Turnpike, my dreams of going 80 are dashed because it starts to rain and there are a number of morons ahead of me who insist on keeping 14 car lengths between them and the car in front of them and slamming on their brakes every time anybody ahead of them does ANYTHING! I am convinced that on this trip I exhausted my store of profanity and had to create new vulgarities. Add to that Levitt chiming in from the back seat with incorrect directions on how to avoid NYC and you can imagine how happy a mood I was in. We finally rolled in at 8:30. We left at 3:30. It was supposed to be three hours. I hate the Northeast. It's official. My first act as President will be to decree that the Northeast must add easily accessible roads that go nowhere near NYC AND that allow trucks to drive on them. Anyone not complying with this decree will be summarily forced to live in Hackensack. That'll learn 'em. AND make them long for Gitmo.

But the shows all went very well, which made me happy. And today's kid crew was a lot of fun. They ate lunch with us after the show, and were quite entertaining. And the school (well, the teacher who put it all together) was really excited about us being there, so we had a really good time. The space was even pretty good as well. It was at least an auditorium where you could tell they regularly put on plays instead of just speeches. No dressing rooms other than a storage cage (yes, it has finally come to this--I've been caged. Never thought it would happen, did ya?) but in all other respects a fine little space. Heck, at least all the lights stayed on. So a big thumbs up for Carmel, NY. It's sad that I will never again travel anywhere near there again, as I have sworn off the Northeast after this tour. It also didn't help that the route the GPS wanted us to originally take put us on the Hutchinson River Parkway, up near Purchase, NY, which, as regular readers of last tour's blog will remember, is the very parkway upon which our truck met its untimely demise. So on top of tying to figure out how the hell to avoid the entire city of NY, I was also having flashbacks to that day in the rain (what the hell is it with NY and RAIN?) when we realized our tour was well and truly fucked. Thankfully, all vehicles today escaped with no injuries.

We were also informed that this coming Monday we have added a second show in NC. So we perform twice in one day, and then head back up to Delaware. So that means on Monday, we will start somewhere around 4 in the afternoon, after doing two back-to-back shows, and THEN drive for at least 5.5 hours. And when we were informed about this and expressed, very politely, I might add, in the form of laughing and shaking our heads ruefully, our disbelief and displeasure with Chamber's apparent lack of consideration for our ability to do such a thing without someone killing us n the road, Levitt snapped at all of us that is was what it was and we just had to accept it. I wish I could tell her that a) the phrase "It is what it is" is so over and needs to be stricken from her lexicon forever, lest she be beaten over the head with a petrified Twinkie, and b) not every expression of unhappiness or frustration is a personal attack against her! Especially not something that we all know she has no control over. I wan her and I to play Canadian and baby seal sometime.... And tomorrow I am in the truck navigating for her for 5.5 hours. Someone shoot me. Please.

But lest this post become a veritable whine-fest, allow me to finish what I started and outline a few more plans I've got for the country. Oh yeah, it's getting good. Here we go!

EDUCATION: I will never understand why it is that this country seems so dead set against doing anything to improve the educational system. It's almost pathological, this need to pay lip service to education and then either do nothing, or do some stupid gimmick to screw it up even worse. Let's start with regular old elementary education. Well, everything up through high school. The problem here is that with very minor exceptions, usually instigated by individual teacher effort, most programs to improve education in public schools are programs which try to put some (usually dumbass) spin on classic rote learning. The problem here isn't whether Timmy is sitting in a cluster of desks, working in a team, or using open notes. The problem is rote learning itself. There are very few subjects that rote learning is the best way of teaching. Arithmetic jumps to mind. Rote learning is perfect for simple arithmetic, because that's all it requires. But rote learning is the bane of a subject like, for example, history. Not that it can't be taught that way. Obviously it can, because that's the way it's always taught. "Here's a list of dates and events. Memorize them. Voila! Now you understand the Civil War." It's ridiculous. It dooms the study of history to be boring, and let's face it, it isn't. You need to teach kids the ideas behind what happened. That way they truly understand it, and have less of a chance of forgetting everything after the test. That's why I laugh at the idea of year-round schools. What's the point? It isn't the three months off that makes kids need refresher courses at the beginning of the school year, it's the fact that nothing was taught in a way that made it stick in the first place. If it had been taught in a way that the kid could truly understand the subject and thus be able to see how it connects to their life, then they'll remember it, period. 

The way to do this is to abandon standardized testing. We all know the only thing that tests is how well you take tests. You want to test kids to see how well a school is doing? Fine. Then give them tests, but don't make them those stupid fill in the dot tests which do nothing but explore the most cursory understanding of a subject. We set aside time during the school year to take these tests anyway, so let's take some real time and test some real knowledge. Essay tests. Instead of 300 questions which never get any deeper than skin level, ask fewer questions that actually require reasoned and thought out answers. Answers that will show the student actually has swallowed the pill and is not just holding it under their tongue to spit out later. Now before you go all stupid on me, I know we can't ask 1st graders to answer deep essay questions. Obviously when you're hitting the basics--the stuff that is actually taught best by rote learning, then you stick with it. But that level is passed pretty quickly. But with this program, any child not left behind deserves to move forward, because he actually KNOWS something. And those who don't, well, then they get left behind--to repeat the grade and try to do better. A society who is not willing to let its students fail is not ready for them to succeed. It also cheapens the whole idea of success. 

As for college, well, let me ask you a question. We know the government is to provide education for its citizens, right? Hence public schools. But let me ask you another question--we all ALSO know that in this day and age, in order for anyone to have a serious chance at any kind of decent career, college is required, to greater or lesser degree. So why do we hold on to this outdated notion that the government can go ahead and fund schools before college, but not AT the college level? It's ridiculous. The government and the educational system it supports has to evolve. Government-funded public universities, free just like the public schools are, or if that's a little too crunchy granola for the country to handle, then we'll go ahead and charge a tuition--one so low you'd have to work to NOT be able to attend. Private universities would still run, just as there are private schools now. But if you're going to sink a crapload of money into the system anyway, let's actually DO something with the money. And let's also hold teachers to a higher standard. ANd I don't mean pass-fail percentage, because then they just pass the failers in order to keep their jobs. Let the Department of Education actually do something and review teachers based on their actual teaching. It'll mean growing the department so that reviewers can actually attend classes once a quarter and observe teachers. And just think how much better the teachers we have can be if they are no longer shackled by teaching to the test. Again, if you're going to spend money, then spend money on something that is truly important and that will pay dividends down the road. Better teachers teaching a better system and producing better students who will be more prepared to function in the world and have a better understanding thereof, thus making a stronger economy, a stronger workforce and ultimately, a stronger, less jingoistic country. I'd say that's worth a few billion or so, don't you?

HEALTH CARE: I met a guy in the hotel bar in Jackson who told me that he was afraid that universal health care would remove the incentive for the best doctors wot work in this country because they wouldn't have the reward of insane amounts of money. I disagree with that for a couple of reasons. First, that suggests that the only reason that people become doctors is in order to make a shitload of money. Now, I won't deny there are probably people like that, and I won't deny that at this point, it may be at least ONE of the reasons for even more people. But you don't go into medicine if you're just a mercenary person, as a rule. That's what the law is for. So I doubt the number of people deciding to forgo a career in medicine will dry up all that much. Secondly, no-one said doctors can't make money under universal health care. Yes, you need to keep the prices of the procedures relatively low, but this is still America, and we do believe in people profiting from their skill and knowledge, and I don't want to stand in the way of that. The prices of the procedures could be set at a level well below where they are now yet still high enough to allow for a profit. And if you in turn remove the incentive for people to SUE doctors, then malpractice insurance isn't as expensive and then procedure prices drop. And if they're not making such horrific profits, then you know what? It means fewer people forced into unnecessary surgery or overly risky surgery just so the hospital can charge the fee. Hospitals and health care costs have gotten so out of hand because once again we allow them to. It's like gas prices. Sooner or later, no matter how expensive, you need to fill up your tank. But with universal health care, we say we're not going to allow people to just keep raising prices because they can. Does this mean that hospitals will make less money? Yes. But they're also going to be subsidized by the government, so they don't lose that much. And I'm sorry, but making sure people can see a doctor is more important than making sure a doctor can hit 18 holes three times a week. We are a government for, by, and of THE PEOPLE. Those are the ones to whom priority should be given. Not businesses. Don't sacrifice one for the other, in either direction, not totally. You must try to strike a balance. But it's been way out of balance way too long, and you need something radical to bring it INTO balance.

WAR ON TERROR: Okay, no-one's going to like this. The Middle East is messed up. It always HAS been messed up, and despite everyone's best attempts, it always WILL be. You are dealing with a part of the world which has been busy trying to destroy itself since it came into being. And you know what they rally don't like? Us telling them what to do. So here's my plan. Get the hell out of the Middle East. Not diplomatically, you stay involved, just as you do everywhere, but you don't walk around trying to tell a civilization that has developed along a different line than ours that they need to embrace our civilization because it's better. That's going to do nothing but piss people off. Now don't get me wrong. I have no doubt that if we pulled all the military forces out of the Middle East, the people who hate us would come up with new reasons to hate us. Pulling out of Saudi Arabia wouldn't have stopped 9/11. I have a hard time believing someone willing to put something like that together would all of sudden scrap it because we called home the troops. But what it does is remove a recruiting tool. Why has Castro stayed in power so long in Cuba? People like him get shot all the time. Why can groups like the Taliban and Al-Qaeda recruit educated people to join them? Because they had a scapegoat--US. Things are bad in Cuba? Not Castro's fault--it's the US's trade embargo. No running water in Kabul? Well, that's obviously the fault of America. No occupying forces, no scapegoat. What we need to do is bring in diplomats that have actually studied and LEARNED the culture of the people of the Middle East--of all the countries, sects, tribes, etc. You must understand your friends and your enemies, in order to deal with them. If you're dealing with someone who always needs to appear strong in front of others, bullying and threats get you nowhere. isn't just running messages, it's understanding the people you're dealing with and discovering the best ways to deal with them. And treating the countries as if they have a right to exist and pursue the same things we allow our allies to pursue.  Oh, and stop propping up Israel. What that country has done in the region is no better than what any other country in the region has done. I'm sorry. It's time for this special relationship with Israel to cease. Once they stop firing rockets into settlements, then I'm willing to see them as victims. You know, people lose their ancient homeland all the time. Cultures move, civilizations drift, and others come in and take their place, and those people have as much right to be there as anyone else. ANd if you can't see how all of sudden being told that a whole country is being made of your backyard and by the way, these people will be able to demand that you have papers to move back and forth what you used to move freely through and they can imprison you might make somebody angry, then you're not too swift. Was declaring war correct? No. Was it right? No. Could there have been a better way? Obviously. But in order for a better way to be found, both sides have to be willing to implement it, and that's never been the case. So no more special help. Israel is no longer sacrosanct. Will we aid? Yes. Will we be there to help negotiate treaties? yes. But we cannot be seen as basically being there to push through what Israel wants in the region, because we lose all power AS an agent of change. You don't call in your enemy's friend to help you out. So why should anyone who isn't Israel believe anything we say when we talk about peace when our image is that of being in bed with Israel? It's just plain common sense. And you want to reall take away the mid-east's power? Take the money we spend keeping what amounts to no peace in the region and develop some way to run this country on something other than oil. Once we don't need what they're selling, I have a feeling we'll be amazed at how much more willing to talk they become. So greater in depth understanding of who the people are and why they are the way they are, a diplomatic corps there to actually attempt to solve some problems, revamping the image of just how truly even-handed America is in the region, and getting ourselves off oil. Then, maybe, there's a chance we might be able to do some good over there. Will there always be crazy people who want to blow us up? Yes. But don't go willy-nilly blasting the shit out of everyone who happens to talk with the same accent. Find out the reasons and deal with it then. That will be a far greater defense against terror than what we've had. Make it clear that should anyone try anything, it will be dealt with swiftly and harshly, but don't make that your only negotiating tactic. 

So there you have it--a few planks in the platform. I hope I can count on your vote in 2012. Because a vote for Pond is a vote for me!

My fellow Americans....

Greetings from York, PA, one of the few cities we have been to on this tour where the hotel was actually near something that resembled civilization! And we got here really early in the day! It was just plain lovely. The show today was very nice--we performed at a concert hall. These are typically very difficult because of the fact that concert halls are not built for theatrical presentations, they are built for concerts. BUT, this one at least had masking on the stage so we were able to keep props and costumes within easy reach, and the stage itself was of a decent size, so there really were very few problems. The biggest one came in finding the building in the first place. Levitt had gone on venue run yesterday, but had taken Alice instead of Schneider, since Schneider was in the truck a good distance away and Levitt didn't want to wait. If she had waited, Schneider might have been able to tell her the building she thought was ours wasn't and it was the building across the street. Alice realized it, but Alice doesn't tell Levitt things because Levitt barks at her when she does. So we pull up in front of the wrong building, then spend half an hour finding the right building and backing the truck along the curved driveway to the loading dock. That wouldn't normally be that big a deal except for the fact that the curving driveway is really narrow AND there is a line of pickups and minivans along one side of it. And the building along the other side. Schneider earned his pay this morning, that's all I have to say. But once at the dock, everything proceeded smoothly,a nd the kids, while not the "YEAH!" type of crowd, really enjoyed the show. I drove the truck with Flo to York, and we had lunch at Bob Evans on the way, and I had Panera for dinner, so all in all, today was a really good day.

This, however, leaves me at loose ends, as there is precious little to rant about in this evening's post. Now, there may be some of you out there who look forward to such a dilemma because you think it means I'm going to keep my mouth shut for at least one night. Nay, foolish mortals! (And if you ARE one of those people, you obviously are not someone who has known me for any length of time whatsoever...) Tonight I decided that since I've been beating you over the head with campaign slogans for my Presidential bid in 2012, I would do you all the favor of explaining to the electorate exactly what y platform will consist of. So sit back, relax, and be afraid. Be very afraid....

THE ECONOMY: Let's get the ball rolling with the big one. This is the subject everyone's terrified of, and it's the one on everyone's mind. So let me lay this out very simply. The economy is voodoo. WHat? You ask. It's simple. The economy works when we believe it works, and it fails because we believe it fails. Stay with me here. It's not as stupid as it sounds. Let's take a look at the big symbol of the economy--the stock market. People use the stock market to predict whether we're getting into or out of a recession, right? All the economic pundits talk about how the market dropped or rose and bear this and bull that. Think about it. The stock market recently rose 500 points just because Geithner explained the plan to improve the economy. They didn't DO anything to the economy. They didn't even put the plan into effect. They just said, "we have a plan, and here it is." We can't even say it happened because it was a good plan because there are a lot of talking heads who say it isn't. It went up because people said, "There's a plan. Things will get better. We're not in as MUCH chaos as we were. I feel better." That's LUDICROUS. It's even more ludicrous to use THAT as a reason to say the recession might be shorter than we thought. Prices for stock go up because people think they want it. And if people buy it, then other people think they want it, and THEY buy it, which makes the price go up because now there's demand of an ever-decreasing supply of stock. Then, when the vast majority of the stock's been bought, the price is as high as anybody thinks it can go, people sell, which drives down the price, which makes other people sell which drives the price down more, and then people start throwing it away. Look at all the bubbles we've had. The dot coms didn't DO anything, yet people were becoming millionaires in one day. The housing market was the same way--because of the fact that so many people were willing to buy houses, and the fact that people were willing to finance ay house to anybody, the price of houses went through the roof. Real estate got incredibly inflated. Then all of a sudden, people couldn't pay, or a contractor put up seven thousand new homes and everyone in the area had already bought one and these others sat empty. What does that do? It devalues the price of the home. And all of a sudden people are losing money, and they try to call in the loans they made, which people can't afford because no-one in their right mind can afford them. So they try to sell the house and that drives the price down, which makes other people want to sell, only they can't because now their house isn't worth what they paid for it. But guess what--IT NEVER WAS.

So what to do about it? Well, one of the things that obviously led to this whole debacle is that nobody was watching out what was going on, and that needs to change. I'm not talking about going in and having the federal government run banks. The last thing we need is the federal government trying to balance a checkbook. But I see no reason why there can't be federal oversight checking out all avenues of commerce to make sure that what is going on is above board and legal and ethical. I'm not trying to make it so people can't make a profit, but the way some of these people went after consumers, it was just predatory. And yes people need to be willing to take some time and read things and have other people explain it to them--people who are NOT the ones who are going to profit from the deal. Home buying is tough and complicated, but for the love of god, if something seems too good to be true, then IT IS. You have to wait. Do it smart. And this brings me back to the economy being voodoo. We say there's a housing crisis because a bunch of homes are being foreclosed on because the people who own them can't pay the mortgages. Well, the financing was based on what the home was purported to be worth when it was bought, right? I think it's obvious to all and sundry that the homes sold weren't really worth that much. And that's obvious because people had been talking for a few years about the housing bubble bursting. That means these homes were at an unnaturally inflated value. So the easiest way to fix this whole thing? Declare an amnesty. All the money that's being lost is on paper right now. They're entries in books and spreadsheets. So, for the banks--reassess the homes, at reasonable prices. What are they REALLY worth, not what were they worth in a market crazy for them. Then go to the finance companies and say, okay, here's what the thing is really worth, let's get together with the homeowners and come up with something that they can afford to pay off THIS amount of money, less anything already paid in, plus a percentage of what's owed. Now, this means that everybody's going to take a loss on the deal. BUT it will be far less of a loss than if the houses foreclose. Nobody's credit goes to hell (which is another bunch of voodoo, but whatever) the banks don't have to write anybody off, and everybody gets some money. And it means money keeps flowing, which is the biggest problem in a recession. PLUS, since the banks are still making money, they HAVE money to lend IN A SENSIBLE and RESPONSIBLE way, to other people who wish to buy homes. And that's where the federal government comes in. They oversee lending practices and make sure no-one's being greedy and unethical. You know, like they're SUPPOSED to. Now, this means banks and lending institutions are going to be a little shaky for a little while, but again, we're dealing in imaginary money right now. Instead of sending in a bunch of money we don't have to buy up bad debts, let's just tell everyone, okay, all the losses and everything else--they don't count. We all just agree to start over. The government forgives any taxes owed on these things and we take a deep breath and move on, a little wiser and a LOT more careful.

JOBLESSNESS: Okay, right now people are losing their jobs because businesses are having trouble making money because people aren't spending because the economy is so bad because people are losing their jobs. See above. A lot of the unemployment problem will rectify itself once we get the rest of the economy moving, because confidence breeds spending (voodoo, remember?) and spending breeds income, which breeds job security. Another thing to do is for the American people to quit being so damn snobby and start doing crap jobs that regularly get outsourced or go to illegal immigrants. And how do we do this? Well, here's one way--under my administration, there will be no job that does not make at least the federal minimum wage. None of this, well, you make tips so I will only pay you $2/hr bullshit. This removes the incentive to hire people willing to work for less than the minimum wage. And here's a crazy idea, let's tie the federal minimum wage to something that makes sense, like the cost of living. What's the point of having a minimum wage if being ON it doesn't allow you to make a living? Where's the intelligence in that? And let's see what we can do about actually making federal retraining programs workable, because getting a job's easier when you know how to DO a job.

TAXES: Okay, here's the thing. The tax system in this country is screwed. Period. We all know it. SO what do we do about it? Well, one plan is that we keep the structure of the tax system and do something mildly radical--we go back to what income tax was supposed to be--a graduated system based on your income. That means the more money you make, the more tax you pay. Period. I don't give a shit who you wine and dine, I don't give a shit how many pieces of a city's skyline you own, if you make a shitload of money, then you pay more in taxes. None of this 90,000 loopholes bullshit. Every tax level gets a standard deduction, increased by their level. ANd they all pay a certain percentage, which also increases by their level. SO you figure out how much you made, how much we already took out, how much your deduction is, and how much you may still owe. And if that means you made $300,000,000 and you end up owing $1.5 million, then so be it. Live with it. You Make $300,000,000 for chrissakes! How much do you really freaking need?

Another plan is to make the withholding actually withhold the amount you will owe. So at the end of the year, there's no extra tax, because as far as I'm concerned, the way we tax now we tax the same money twice, and that's unfair. We tax it once when we withhold from your check, then we tax it AGAIN on your tax return before we allow you to take deductions. It SHOULD be unconstitutional. So under this plan, your withholding would probably be higher, then at the end of the year, you subtract your deduction from what you've paid, and get a check. No payment necessary.

But wait, Andrew? What about people who have jobs where they don't take out taxes?? OH, sorry, did I not tell you? There won't BE any of those jobs anymore. Everyone takes out taxes. The only way to get around that is to pay in cash, and if you do that, then keep the money with my blessing.

But all of these plans are backups and I don't like them as much as my plan A--get rid of income tax and switch to a national sales tax. That's how you get a graduated tax system. Rich people love to buy shit. So, you tax them on their purchases. And if they purchase anything over a certain dollar amount, there's a luxury tax added on. For regular people, there will be the sales tax as well, but ti won't apply to the same things it doesn't apply to now--necessities and such. And since the sales tax will be something like, say 15%, the amount of money they'll be getting by having their entire paycheck paid to them will more than make up for what they're spending. Now, here's why it won't bankrupt this country. A) We are the biggest consumer nation on the planet. We NEVER really stop buying, so we'll have a steady stream of tax money coming in. B) Even with extra money coming in, Americans are Americans and will spend more than they have, so we will be getting taxes from money that doesn't even exist. C)This plan will actually ease some of the expenses of this country, because if you give people more money, then a good number of them will do sill things like save and invest, which down the road means they'll have more money when they retire, which will ease the burdens of government plans like Social Security (which you'll still have removed from the check) and Medicare. I daresay we'll end up with more money than under the present system. And the best part is at the end of the year, the government doesn't have to give any of that money BACK.

This also solves some of the illegal immigrant problem. They want to come here and work, then fine. This way, they pay taxes as well. But as for IMMIGRATION, its simple. You want to come and work here, that's fine. Come on in. But you'll become a citizen and you'll learn enough English to get along. That's called courtesy. If I moved to Cuba to work, I'd damn well learn Spanish. If you don't, then you go. Period. And since there will no longer be any incentive to hire illegals because every job MUST pay the minimum wage, the demand for cheap labor will no longer support people who don't want to follow those two simple rules.

Well, gentle readers, that's enough for now. Tune in tomorrow night for my take on health care, education, and the war on terror. And remember--Pond in 2012--Why Not?