Baby, It's Cold Outside

Okay, before I say anything else, I need to say this. It is freaking COLD! And it just needs to stop. Whatever the climate is doing, whatever lesson it's trying to teach us, okay, we get it! Back off! We all understand that we humans are mere gnats in the face of Mother Nature and if she really wanted to she could wipe us all out without breaking a sweat. (Especially in this weather.) We got it! Now turn up the thermostat! It's so cold (pause) Come on, you DID say "How cold is it?" didn't you? If you're reading this, you damn well better have. It's so cold I'm getting out-of-state calls telling me my car won't start. Okay, not the greatest punchline in the world, but it is true. Marta called me this morning telling me my car wouldn't start. Sadly, I was in possession of neither 700 mile-long jumper cables nor a car at this end to hook them up to. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a great lesson one learns when one becomes a husband. (SIngle guys, listen up. This will save you some frustration later in life) Sometimes, all they really want is for you to say, "That sucks, hon. I'm sorry." And let's face it, we can remember that. The incorrect response? "Well what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I'm in Boston!" (And for the record, that is not what I said. I would never reveal my location.) Oh, and for those disappointed in my punchline--It's so cold that smokers can't tell when to stop exhaling! Yep, that's me--the Ralph Malph of the 21st century. The real reason I want this cold weather to disappear as quickly as possible is that until such time as it warms up, I am forced to do something that I despise more than a 9-5 job. Wearing  a hat.

Understand something. I do not usually wear hats. Not unless I'm also wearing a costume, reciting lines, and getting paid. However, since the temps have been lower than Bush's approval ratings, (How sad are comedians gonna be after January 20th?) I have been forced into wearing one in order to keep warm and be polite. WHat? Polite? Whatever do you mean, Andrew? Well, I'll tell you. Crystal, the very sweet, kind, considerate woman with whom I am staying during my tenure here in Boston, saw one day that I was sans chapeau and insisted that I wear one of the several stocking caps that she has lying around the house since the mercury had dipped lower than American consumer confidence. (Obviously the reason that the mercury is dipping so low has nothing to do with climate change or global warming or El Nino or anything like that. It's because Jeremy Piven is hoarding all the mercury. HA! Take THAT Mr. Far More Famous Than I Can Ever Hope To Be...) Tell me gentle readers, how can I say no to that? This woman let me use her car to go get groceries since she had to wait for the plumber to come over and couldn't drive me herself. She's a lovely person, and is trying to make sure I don't freeze. How can I look at her and say, "Are you mad? Stocking caps make me look like a wooly rodent!" And they do--without hair, the line from the top of my head down to the tip of my nose is a horrible, never-ending, unbroken bobsled run that should not be forced upon the rest of the world. But I had to accept, and now I feel guilty if I don't wear it. Thankfully the walk to rehearsal is blessedly short, and the four flights of stairs up to the hall allows me ample time to remove it and fix whatever it's done to my hair. Thank goodness I got a haircut before I left for Boston! But I do understand it's helpful. After all, you lose 40% of your heat through your head. And yes that is true because when I was walking without the hat on my head, my hands, which were gloved and in my pockets, were cold. But when I wore the hat, my hands (again, gloved and in my pockets) were NOT cold. Ergo, that statistic has been scientifically proven! (Well, come on, it's at least as good as the science the idiot who did Supersize Me) The upshot of all this is--it needs to warm the hell up.

So today was day number two of rehearsal, and the first day we had the whole group together. We were doing Sleepy Hollow today, going through it to make sure we got all the blocking. It went very quickly, or at least more quickly than I had expected. Two of us have done it already, so that helps, but the other thing is, we don't have a director. I mean, of course we have a director, since Pat is doing the directing, but we don't have someone OTHER than Pat who's listed as the director. Last time, poor Terry had three different people telling him three different ways to direct the shows, added on top of the fact he was under the misapprehension that he ha been hired to actually DIRECT, rather than just do what everybody else had done for 30 years. THAT slowed things down considerably. So since we're getting the pure, undiluted vision of Pat, we don't have to wait while it passes through all those filters before being told it's all gone horribly horribly wrong and we need to change everything. It's a very interesting dynamic. We got all the way through it before lunch, had the time after lunch to run it and move on and block all the way through Monkey's Paw before we went home. It was fun to get a chance to sit out in the house and see Monkey's Paw being put together, since I didn't get a chance to really see it the last time, playing Mr. White. But now I'm barely in it at all, so I got to sit back and watch it. Cool, in an odd, out-of-body kind of way. It's kind of fun to be putting this show together for a second time. I have so much less stress about it, even though we have an abbreviated rehearsal schedule. Our first show, as of now (let's all repeat the Chamber mantra--THAT MAY CHANGE) is February 3rd. But regardless,I'm a little more at ease. Of course it is only the second day. Any one of you, gentle readers, may throw that last assertion in my face upon the appearance of the first HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO WE"RE NEVER GOING TO GET THIS THING RIGHT IN TIME post. Ooooooooh I heard the multiple creaks as everyone leaned forward eagerly in their chairs.

I still haven't gotten that much of a grasp on the cast., so the breakdown will have to wait. If I remember correctly, it took about five days or so before I gave impressions of the last cast, so I see no reason to rush. However, in this blog, I will take a page from Steph's blog and use aliases. For me, that is. I don't want anyone knowing who I am--it's dangerous. Suffice it to say, right now, things are going very smoothly and I am enjoying myself. That of course means disaster is bound to rear it's ugly head any day now. And I'm sure it'll be wearing a stocking cap.