And now the hair-tearing begins....

It couldn't last long. My mellow, even-keeled mood toward the way Chamber does stuff was bound to run out. I just didn't realize it was going to happen so soon after blogging about how mellow and even-keeled my mood was. And I can't say that it's anything about how the show is progressing. Considering the fact that today was the first day we went through each of the shows without stopping, the show is actually coming along about the way and at the speed I figured. Slower in some points, faster in others. I feel pretty confident we're going to be okay by the time we hit tech next week. "So what is it that's harshed your buzz, Andrew?" you ask. It's the fact that today Pat's directorial choices hit that weird Chamber area where she sounds like she's talking to you like other directors, discussing character's motivations and intentions, and then you slowly realize that all she's doing is telling you the exact way to say all the lines, which is the way she's told every single person to say them for the past 30 years, because apparently, Pat only thinks characters should talk in sonorous baritones with as little use of their upper register as possible, regardless of what the emotion being expressed is. And I'm including the females in that. She goes through all these elaborate discussions of why your character is feeling the way they're feeling, and what their body would be doing physiologically at that very moment, and how that would feed into the social mores of the period, and that's why you must speak in a sonorous baritone and use your upper register as little as possible. And if you could also try not to be too animated while you talk, that would be appreciated as well. If you want to give me a line reading, then just give me a line reading. But don't try to tell me how my character is put off by having to have the mother in the room when he tells the father about the fact his son is dead and that's why he doesn't come right out and say it, and THEN tell me to say my lines in a very even rhythm without any indication that I am put off by the fact the mother is there, EVEN THOUGH the lines immediately following my entrance show that I am stumbling over the next few words because I'm put off by that fact. I hate it when people try to talk to me like I'm not smart enough to sniff out bullshit. Now understand, some of the time, the way she wants things read makes sense. But if you listen to the way she does everyone's lines (and she does--most of notes is watching her perform our roles) you'd think every story has the exact same characters. And she doesn't have much use for contrast in characters (unless that contrast results in sonorous baritones) preferring instead that each character have one characteristic that they stick to throughout each story, regardless of what's happening to them. The one exception is the Poe story, and even in that, she insists that the contrasts in the character once again result in a very subdued and (say it with me) sonorous baritone. In Pat's world, no-one ever moves swiftly or gets agitated to the point anyone can tell. I probably wouldn't have had such a visceral reaction to today's notes if it wasn't for the fact that I was making a valid point about the correlation between the written lines, the intention and inner monologue she had already discussed with me about my character in the Monkey's Paw (That death messenger guy) and the contradictory note to say my lines as if I was just a well-trained funeral director who is very polished and polite but not too involved. And she just looked at me and just told me to go ahead and do it that way, as if she didn't understand what i was saying to her. 

Okay, I'm done. Sorry, gentle readers. Although what I typed above is far more cogent and polite than what i was thinking in the midst of being looked at like I was speaking Swahili when I was discussing something any first year theatre student would have brought up. And she TEACHES! Oy. If you need someone to pose a photograph, get Pat. If you need someone to direct you so that there are more than three colors in your crayon box, get anyone BUT Pat. I just had to get that out. But as I said everything else about rehearsal is going fine, and is actually quite enjoyable. I think everyone is coming along well, and we all work very well together. So don't get me wrong--I am having a good time. And come tomorrow, this annoyance will have lessened and I'll have moved on, because...well...because I don't really have any choice. And again, once we're on the road, everything will smooth out. 

I did get one lovely piece of news today. Apparently, on Good Morning America (and if ANYONE can find me a video clip of this, I will give you my first-born. No, really...I'm good for it...) they had some sort of expert on relationships, or love, or something equally specious and ultimately useless, who was discussing the Obamas and telling the hosts how it was obvious they were very much in love. Her evidence? (And this is a direct quote--a direct quote of the person who quoted her to me. Way to go honey!) "You can see they're very much in love because they're kissing, they're touching, they're fisting." Yes, you read that right. Apparently this is something we never knew about the Obamas. And what's even more amazing is that this woman has SEEN it! Sorta makes that whole Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky thing not such a big deal, doesn't it? I just wish that i could have see the hosts' reaction to hearing that. And the even better part is that you know that didn't get bleeped, since, as the late great George Carlin would tell you were he not the LATE great George Carlin, "fisting" is NOT one of the 7 words you can't say on TV. I wonder how many people shot coffee through their nose when she finished that sentence. I would also like to point out that any "love expert" who uses the term "fisting" when she means "fist-bumping" is obviously not THAT much of an "expert". On ANYTHING. It was a piece of information which greatly brightened my day, because it's one of those stories that shows you that no matter how bad your day may be, or how bad you're feeling, there's always someone out there who is having a WAY worse day. You think she got a call from the Secret Service after that aired? "Um...Ma'am, we need you to come with us. It's well-known that leaking information about the fisting tendencies of the First Family is a severe breach of National Security." She's gotta be breathing a sigh of relief that he closed Gitmo. If it had been Bush, she would've BECOME an expert on what she said the Obamas were doing....

I also got one lousy piece of news today. I found out Michael, whom you may remember from last tour and last blog, and whom you should STILL not confuse with Mike (he of the topless truck) got hit by a taxi today in NY and broke his wrist and shattered one of ankles. He is thankfully not hurt any worse than that and will recover, no thanks to the crappy hospital he was first taken to. He finally got picked up by his mom and taken back to the Poconos where he received medical care which had less in common with former Soviet Republics. But he will be out of commission for 10 weeks, not including rehab. Pretty shitty, since the taxi apparently sped right into the intersection and sent him flying. So please, gentle readers, he's not only dealing with injury but also being knocked out (quite literally) of audition season in New York; send him good thoughts for a swift recovery and a huge settlement from the idiot in the cab. He's one of the nice guys from last tour, and as you remember there weren't many of them.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. We have our first full run tomorrow, and I need to be something akin to conscious for it. I promise to try to be less ranty tomorrow. If nothing else, at least tomorrow is Saturday, so we'll have the next day off. Ah....tour....could be worse I guess. I could be a relationship "expert."