The Bare Truth

I come to you, gentle readers, after my first rehearsal for The Great America Nudie Spectacular. I also come to you after my first real workout in a very long time. Coincidence? Mayhap. Read on, and discover the truth for yourselves. So last night, I met (most of) the cast of GANS (as I shall henceforth refer to it, since typing out the entire name of the show annoys the living hell out of me) and we got down to the very important business of--publicity photos! Yes, apparently for these people, it's far more important to get photos than to start rehearsing the show. I mean after all, we have so much time to get this show on its feet--oh wait, no we don't! But hey, it did mean I got to see the rest of the cast naked. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, the photos were taken with all of us nude. Yes, ALL of us. Including yours truly, there in our pale Midwestern glory. And none more glorious than I. There's a reason they're not actually making me get naked in the show--they don't want to be sued for blinding their audience. BUT (and this is the important part) I was NOT the most out of shape guy there! ha-HA! Thank you, O' Truck Loading Gods! So we all strip down, except for the ladies. Yes, they did divest themselves of everything down to their panties, but apparently none of them could shed those garments since they were all, each one of the three, afflicted by their monthly visitor at exactly the same time (How's that for cast bonding?) And while I do find that both unfair and suspect, I did get to see three pairs of naked breasts, so all is forgiven.

Now, lest you all think this as nothing but some sort of artless thing, Ill have you know it was very high concept. We were photographed with all of us standing in a line (boy, girl, boy girl, boy girl, thank goodness) behind a huge American flag, which happened to be the flag given to our stage manager at the burial of his grandfather, who had served in the military. That's right, we unfolded an official US government memorial soldier flag to hide a bunch of naked actors. But that wasn't the worst part. After we did the chorus line shots, we took individual pictures of each of us posed in various ways, draped in the flag. Yes, pictures of me sitting on some steps naked while draped in an official military "sorry your relative is dead, have a flag" flag do exist. But even THAT wasn't the worst part. The worst part is now we have to find some Marines to refold the damn thing. It was a very odd experience, but odd mostly in how uncomfortable is WASN'T. I guess I might have been ore self-conscious if I had been the only one naked, but then again, maybe not. After all, when you have twenty med students come through an exam room and inspect your genitals and give you a rectal exam (EACH) you get pretty used to being looked at. And the show's aim to demystify and desexualize nudity apparently worked already because all three of the women have very nice bodies (in different ways) and yet, nothing. Which is good, because really, it's not a good idea to have your actors knocking over scenery. The oddest moment came when they were taking pictures of one of the girls and the rest of us were all sitting around waiting our turn or waiting for it b=to be over so they could take another group shot. That meant we all stayed naked. So here we were, sitting around the theatre, all of us completely nude, holding forth on mundane subjects, like why most Ben Stiller movies suck, and why Michael Bay should never be allowed to direct anything except Meat Loaf videos. And again, it was only odd because all of a sudden I realized it wasn't. But worry not, gentle readers, I am not about to adopt a naturalist lifestyle. I burn WAY too easily for that. And besides, I like it when people look into my EYES when they talk to me. Pond in 2012--Commando, No Briefs....

Why Actors piss me off

So all manner of things have been happening, gentle readers, the sheer number of which have kept me from updating you to them, but I shall now, since I'm hanging out in my favorite Chicago coffee shop killing time, let you all in on what's been happening. First off, I was fortunate enough t be called back for Man of La Mancha, my earlier fear of the theatre being stuffy and sanctimonious about a hand puppet audition being completely unfounded. In fact, they are planning on using a hand puppet in the show, so I am more brilliant than I knew. (Oh, happy accidents) That is why I am presently doing such a murderous number on time right now. I have until 8 this evening to find some way to amuse myself. I had an audition this afternoon for a kid's theatre here in the city and I see no reason to tramp all the ay back to the suburbs and then slog all the way back in. I also had an audition yesterday for something called (and I'm not making this up) "The Great American Nudie Spectacular". It's a sketch comedy show supposedly tweaking the American habit of being offended by nudity but having no problem with violence. What's more terrifying than me actually going to audition for something like this is that they, inexplicably, CAST me. For those of you quaking in your boots, worry not. From what I've read, the nudity appears to be of the feminine variety. And if there IS any male nudity I'm sure they've been smart enough to cast someone young, in shape, and TAN. (The latter being probably the MOST important) So we start rehearsals this Tuesday, which, naturally, is a problem for me because I've crammed my life full of stuff to do and attempts to get work. But they seem to be cool with the conflicts, so all is well. And it only runs for the summer, so that doesn't mess up any of the other stuff I want to do. And it gets me out of the house, which is important, because otherwise I may just sink roots into the couch.

The other stuff that's been going on is that i have been able (being unemployed) to see a bunch of shows in the area. That's a nice change of pace, since I'm usually not able to see shows, even ones my friends are in. Well, now I've seen a number of productions, and all I can say is, why the hell am I still unemployed? The worst offender, and the reason behind the title of this post, was a production of Measure for Measure that I saw a couple of nights ago, directed by a dear friend of mine, and which, had I not been away on tour, she wanted me to be in. Let me say this right now--I have nothing bad to say about the direction of the show. Her vision for it was lovely, and for the most part, it was actually a really enjoyable show, thanks in a large part to the supporting cast, and one or two main characters who did not fall under the disease of which I am about to rant. There were a couple of performances which fell WAY short of any level of professional theatre I would like to see. The sad part is that one of them was the major plum role in the show, which went to a grand high muckety muck of both the theatre which was putting on the show and the theatre which was allowing them to use the space. This was a casting choice my friend was not allowed to challenge, nor did she have any say in it. And this putz was BAD. I mean like "who told you you should try this for a living?" bad. He had all the energy of a com patient, and when he id the scene where he told the novitiate nun that if she slept with him he'd spare her brother's life, there was about as much desire in the scene as in a Republican mixer. There were other performances which were lackluster as well, but he was the most egregious example. And when I talked to my friend, I found out that apparently, these people had decided that there was no reason to listen to the director since thy had all one it in college prior to this, and they knew everything. And for whatever reason, they decided the show didn't require their complete effort or attention, so they just don't try. Which is really sad because there are other actors in this show who ARE trying and who obviously Do want to be doing the show and put their heart and soul into it. Those are the people who help make the show work as much as it does. 

This pisses me off to no end. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that when i left college, I was a cocky son of a bitch as well, and I also thought that I knew way more than I actually did. But at no time, even in my most egotistical, did I ever disregard a director, or give up on a show and not give it my all regardless of how good or bad it was. And personally, I think that any actor who can't be bothered to put the requisite amount of energy into a performance needs to get their ass the hell off the stage out of the theatre, and become a freaking accountant. I am so tired of people who can't be bothered to do the very thing that they supposedly love to do. It's idiots like this that give all artists a bad name, and I wish thy would all just go back to living in their parents' basements and flipping burgers because they are taking jobs (or in this case, forcibly stealing jobs) from others who would be overjoyed to have a role in a show and would actually put some of themselves into it. Acting, or any other artistic pursuit, should be something you do because you love it and can't really imagine what else you COULD do and be happy. It should not be something you do because you just don't want to have to get a real job and act like an adult. You want to waste time and not have to work hard, become a Wal-Mart greeter and get out of my way.  The arts in this country have an anemic enough reception without slugs like these assholes holding it under with uninspired and listless performances until it gasps its last. And understand I am not talking about a level of talent here. The guy I'm talking about could be the most talented yahoo on the planet. ANd I've seen actually quite good performances given by some people who had middling talent but really gave themselves over to the play and gave it their all. What I'm talking about here is the fact this tool wasn't even TRYING. Their was no attempt. It was so phoned in, I could hear the dial tone. If he was untalented and at least trying, I would bemoan the fact that a bureaucrat forced a production to give him a role he wasn't suited for, but I wouldn't be so incensed. At least an untalented guy TRIES. This was an insult to the audience and the director and the production because it implied that none of those three deserved his effort. And that pisses me off. Because I love this business, and I break my ass trying to make it in this business, and I think that the time spent on stage is quite possibly some of the best time  spend in my life, and I really wish I didn't have to deal with lame pricks like this that undermine all of that. 

But hey, all else is going well, and trust me, gentle readers, should I have to drop my pant in the Great American Nudie Spectacular, you can rest assured, I shall be giving it my all.....Pond in 2012--He'll Make Sure You Take It All....

'round round,run around, I run around...

Hello, gentle readers. To save all of you from pining away to nothing, I have returned to amuse and delight you with yet another post. I just wish i had a bunch of stuff that was either amusing or delightful to talk about. Still trying to find work here in Chicago, after having turned down Chamber's offer to return to the road this fall. They went back o the whole, "take as much time as you want" thing once they held NY auditions, and needed an answer by last Friday, which is when I had planned on telling them anyway. So you won't be put through having to read about yet another 4 months of hauling equipment and hoisting prosceniums. And you can all rest easy that you won't have to hear my daily rantings about the math show. Alice, I wish you well in that endeavor.

The days are a little boring, to be honest, when one is unemployed. Unless, of course, you try to get unemployment. I know it's supposed to be a beautiful thing, and many people depend on it. I know we depend on it right now, since both my wife AND I are unemployed. Thank goodness she had a real job, or else we'd have no money whatsoever. Apparently the unemployment office looks at your last 18 months of work. That's lovely, especially considering that half of that time I've been working for Chamber, so I was making solid, steady income sure to result in a boo-coo weekly award from the state. Even dealing with trying to call MA unemployment and being told that I have to deal with IL and have IL deal with MA for me didn't tamp down my optimism. That should have been my first clue that everything was going to go to hell. Anytime I keep resolutely optimistic in the face of bureaucracy, it's for sure that I shall have that optimism thrown back in my face like a drink from a pissed-off girlfriend. So I go onto the IL unemployment website, which itself takes forever to deal with because since it's a government website, it has to be completely user-UNfriendly and impossible to actually place what really happens into its very narrow set of criteria. But I manage to get it to work, or so I thought. Then I sat back and waited for the letter telling me just how much cash I was going to be getting. $112/wk. Yep, gentle readers, you gently read that right. Apparently, they only processed my work with Noble Fool, whih ended the end of March, and Hunter Douglas, which ended the middle of May LAST YEAR. The stuff from MA was nowhere to be found. Understandably, I was upset. But, undeterred, I soldiered on, calling the IL unemployment office, and having the following conversation:

Underpaid toady: "Hello?"

Me: "Hi, I opened a claim online and it seems you guys missed one of my employers, and I was wondering--

Braindead patsy: "Social security number."

Me: (gives it to him. What, you expect me to type it here? I don't have Lifelock....)

Irritating putz: (keyboard clicks) "Yes, you have a claim."

Me: "I know, but you see, they left off one of my employers."

Clueless ass-muncher: "Why is that important?"

Me: "Because I worked for them for the last nine moths and I figure that might affect how much unemployment I get."

Lobotomized monkey: "Yeah, I guess that would. Well, if you want to add an employer you need to come down here and do it."

Me: "I can't do it over the phone?"

Useless twat: "Nope."

End of conversation.

Feeling less optimistic, but refusing to give into complete hopelessness YET, I head on down there with my earnings (which I had to hunt for since, surprisingly, I don't keep nine months worth of check stubs lying around the house) where a very helpful yet slightly befuddled older African American gentleman helps me fill out the forms for adding out of state income. He tells me you're not allowed to file out of state income online (a fact which appears NOWHERE on their website) AND that while they go back 18 months, they only count the first 12 of those months in determining your award. This led me to two conclusions. A) Everything I had earned from January-May was useless as far as these idiots were concerned, and B) It was time to give into despair. Could someone PLEASE tell me why in the name of anything ANYONE finds holy you would go back 18 months but only count 12? What is the point of that? Why not just say you're going back to the previous year? What's the point of making it sound like those last 6 months have anything to do with anything? Suffice it to say, I am annoyed. Since, thanks to that, and to my foolishly allowing them to take taxes out of my unemployment (really? We're taxing this shit as well? My amazement at this may seem odd to anyone out there with real jobs, but I don't try to get unemployment very often--as in never) I am making just under $200/week. Whoo-hoo. Have I mentioned I hate bureaucracy? 

So that, in a word, sucks. But things are looking up, I have multiple auditions for multiple jobs. I had a couple good ones last night, one a season general where I broke out my mad bass playing skillz. (Yes, that's skillz with a z, like Liza. I am just THAT good) and one for a touring kid's theatre, and by turing, I mean locally. I am, however, going to try to get into NY on the 30th to audition for the national non-Eq tour of Wizard of Oz. This is run by the same company that does the tour of Drowsy Chaperone, so I figure any kissing up I can do would be a good thing. Tonight, I have an audition for a production of Man of La Mancha where the casting is apparently going to be gender, age, and ethnicity-blind. I plan on trying out for Aldonza. I'm hoping this isn't the case, but most of the time when I go to audition for theatres that claim to cast like this, they turn out to be pretentious idiots who cast against one of those types just so everyone will talk about how daring their production is, and most of the time, the production is either nothing special or it's just plain bad, proving that sometimes it's a good idea to cast a guy in a guy's role. Just saying. But they for some reason want to see my puppeteering skills on display tonight, so I plan on turning my hand into a cute little character and duetting with it on "Rainbow Connection." And I'm sorry, anyone who is casting Man of La Mancha without regard to gender, age or ethnicity and who ASKS to see puppet skills at an audition has no leg to stand on if they get all up in arms about a relatively silly audition. That's my story, and I'm taking with me to the unemployment line--which will more than likely disregard it and send me home with less than i showed up with. So which way to welfare? Pond in 2012--Your Welfare is His Concern, and His Welfare Better Show Up Before Rent is Due.