The Bare Truth

I come to you, gentle readers, after my first rehearsal for The Great America Nudie Spectacular. I also come to you after my first real workout in a very long time. Coincidence? Mayhap. Read on, and discover the truth for yourselves. So last night, I met (most of) the cast of GANS (as I shall henceforth refer to it, since typing out the entire name of the show annoys the living hell out of me) and we got down to the very important business of--publicity photos! Yes, apparently for these people, it's far more important to get photos than to start rehearsing the show. I mean after all, we have so much time to get this show on its feet--oh wait, no we don't! But hey, it did mean I got to see the rest of the cast naked. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, the photos were taken with all of us nude. Yes, ALL of us. Including yours truly, there in our pale Midwestern glory. And none more glorious than I. There's a reason they're not actually making me get naked in the show--they don't want to be sued for blinding their audience. BUT (and this is the important part) I was NOT the most out of shape guy there! ha-HA! Thank you, O' Truck Loading Gods! So we all strip down, except for the ladies. Yes, they did divest themselves of everything down to their panties, but apparently none of them could shed those garments since they were all, each one of the three, afflicted by their monthly visitor at exactly the same time (How's that for cast bonding?) And while I do find that both unfair and suspect, I did get to see three pairs of naked breasts, so all is forgiven.

Now, lest you all think this as nothing but some sort of artless thing, Ill have you know it was very high concept. We were photographed with all of us standing in a line (boy, girl, boy girl, boy girl, thank goodness) behind a huge American flag, which happened to be the flag given to our stage manager at the burial of his grandfather, who had served in the military. That's right, we unfolded an official US government memorial soldier flag to hide a bunch of naked actors. But that wasn't the worst part. After we did the chorus line shots, we took individual pictures of each of us posed in various ways, draped in the flag. Yes, pictures of me sitting on some steps naked while draped in an official military "sorry your relative is dead, have a flag" flag do exist. But even THAT wasn't the worst part. The worst part is now we have to find some Marines to refold the damn thing. It was a very odd experience, but odd mostly in how uncomfortable is WASN'T. I guess I might have been ore self-conscious if I had been the only one naked, but then again, maybe not. After all, when you have twenty med students come through an exam room and inspect your genitals and give you a rectal exam (EACH) you get pretty used to being looked at. And the show's aim to demystify and desexualize nudity apparently worked already because all three of the women have very nice bodies (in different ways) and yet, nothing. Which is good, because really, it's not a good idea to have your actors knocking over scenery. The oddest moment came when they were taking pictures of one of the girls and the rest of us were all sitting around waiting our turn or waiting for it b=to be over so they could take another group shot. That meant we all stayed naked. So here we were, sitting around the theatre, all of us completely nude, holding forth on mundane subjects, like why most Ben Stiller movies suck, and why Michael Bay should never be allowed to direct anything except Meat Loaf videos. And again, it was only odd because all of a sudden I realized it wasn't. But worry not, gentle readers, I am not about to adopt a naturalist lifestyle. I burn WAY too easily for that. And besides, I like it when people look into my EYES when they talk to me. Pond in 2012--Commando, No Briefs....