Atheists Unite!

I hate private schools. And I particularly hate parochial schools. To me there is no greater argument for the separation of education and religion than religious schools. You are attempting, in building such institutions, to connect two things which are diametrically opposed--learning and mythology. You cannot teach children hard facts like science and mathematics and also fill their heads with fairy tales about people living inside of whales and rising from the dead and expect it not to screw with their ability to think. And while all private schools have a far more draconian approach to education than do their public counterparts, parochial schools have raised blind obedience to an art form. (I'd say science, but they aren't really fans of that. To be fair, they aren't fans of art either, but we do what we can.) One can't really be surprised. After all, blind obedience is a necessity if you're going to demand people follow rules sent down by a being it is completely impossible to prove the existence of rationally. And what's even more amazing to me is that while the belief they require necessitates the ability to imagine the most outlandish things as being true, imagination is actually not encouraged, because having an active imagination can lead to things like questions your teachers can't answer because they fall outside the very narrow strictures of the faith. So while they attempt to instill myths in the heads of their charges, they succeed more often than not in producing an almost Vulcan inability to appreciate anything that has not already been checked and approved by someone in authority. Doubly ironic considering the myths they like to beat into their students all center around someone who was for all intents and purposes a revolutionary.

Can you tell I performed in a Catholic school today? We performed in the Holy Redeemer School. (Holy Redeemer, Batman!) Our load-in was at 7:00 a.m. for a 9:30 show. except we couldn't really set anything up until 7:40, when all the kids were released from the cafeteria (yep, another cafetorium! But all of our set pieces fit in this one. That was about ALL that fit.) and most of our boxes and carts had to return to the truck. Our dressing room was their teacher's lounge, which believe me, did NOT go over well with the teachers. Oh, and they wanted us to start the show at 9:00 instead of 9:30. It's understandable, though, because we did have to be finished with the show no later than 11:00 because that's when they had to start putting the tables back into the room so they could start their 75 lunch periods. (Which also meant they wanted us tearing down our front of house lights asap after the show came down--preferably immediately after, while still in costume.) Personally, I think we could've just never put them up, since there was more than enough sunlight streaming into the room from the windows no-one bothered to even try to block in any way shape or form to make blackouts absolutely impossible. The other fun fact was that we were not allowed to break anything down or pack anything up until 1:15, when the last of the kids finished lunch. Apparently one thing they CAN'T teach these kids is not to walk into equipment blindly. That must be the case, since there's no other reason for keeping us from rolling things past tables where children are seated. I guess they plan on trying their hand at transubstantiating themselves through our scrim tubes. And yet, five minutes after the show comes down, while we're all frantically getting out of costumes and makeup in order to break down the lights before we get to eat (which you'll love to hear about in just a few paragraphs) the teachers are asking when we'll be done since they really need the space for eating. A direct quote--"You need to get this stuff out of here because we need to eat." Mind you, there were four empty tables at the time they could've sat at. I understand that teachers need a place to eat their lunch, but adaptation is a very important survival skill, and every so often, you have to be flexible. But then again, Catholics aren't fans of the concept of adaptation either. (I mean, at least teach the controversy!!!) They were the rudest teachers we have ever performed for. But I understand why. When you believe you are favored by God, you don't need to be polite to the sinners. It explains why all the old Jewish people in South Florida are so damn rude.

I hate when educators treat their students as if they cannot comprehend the most elementary concepts without having them painstakingly explained to them in the manner one would explain things to a mildly retarded houseplant. The argument is that you can empirically see their inability to carry out the simplest things without strict supervision. The only problem with this is that the children are strictly supervised and treated as unable to handle anything themselves that after a few years of this, they are conditioned to be unable to do anything without having it explained in the manner mentioned above.  There is no other explanation for why any but the youngest children (and even then I don't really buy the necessity) need to be instructed in painstaking detail that for today AND TODAY ONLY, since there are people on the stage and around the stage, the trash cans are on the other side of the cafeteria. This means you have to walk towards THAT end of the room and then exit the door you usually come in. Now, anyone who hasn't taken one too many Mike Tyson blows to the head should be able to see that the trash cans are not in their usual place, and that if you want to throw out your trash, you should walk toward where they ARE. I mean, 8th graders? Really? They need to be told how to walk toward a trash can? Pathetic. Parents--stop doing this to your children! This is not safety! This is not security. This is not keeping your children from being exposed to drugs, violence and sex. Trust me, as a person who has toured to WAY too many Catholic schools, all those problems exist in Catholic schools, sometimes in worse degree since if there are ever kids who need to rebel against authority, it's overly-repressed religious kids who are forced into taking inane vows to live up to standards of behavior that the people in charge can't even HOPE to come close to living up to.

Here's a lovely example of just how whacked-out the whole concept of this blind obedience is. We went through their lunch line once we were done taking down what we could. At every other school we've gone to, if we go through their lunch line, we have a number of options to choose from and we make our decisions based on our own desires, likes, and dislikes. Apparently Catholicism does away with those nagging side effects of free will (remember that, guys? That thing God supposedly gave us? Yeah, I didn't think so.) As we passed through the line, the lunch ladies handed each of us a prepackaged chicken salad and a breadstick. They then tried to push a BBQ chicken sandwich on each of us in addition to the salad we were given. There were NO other choices for lunch. The salad and then the sandwich. And you should have seen the furor our refusal of the sandwich caused. The lunch lady kept repeating, "Barbecue Chicken sandwich?" over and over, regardless of how many times we said that we felt the salad would be enough. The look on their faces also carried dismay, suspicion, and distrust. The fact they were saying this over and over in a heavy Korean accent made it that much more difficult not to laugh at. I mean what the hell is that? It's like the Army, except the Army even gives you a few options to pick from. And why the hell would you pair a salad with a bunch of chicken on top of it with a BBQ CHICKEN sandwich??? Not only are they overly strict, they're completely uncreative! It's depressing to the nth degree.

And all this would be acceptable, or at least countered to a decent degree if the group of kids we performed for hadn't sat there like an oil painting making no sound WHATSOEVER through the whole show. I swear to whatever God there is that we did a show for the Children of the Corn this morning. Nothing affected them--they weren't dismayed by the fate of the lady in the Necklace, they weren't terrified by the implications of the Monkey's Paw or dismayed by the violence and madness in Tell Tale, they didn't laugh at Ichabod, or the Frog. I mean, what the hell? He's a grown man dressed like a FROG for Chrissakes! That's funny to everyone! Not to the Catholics. It was the quietest, saddest, least enjoyable show I have ever done. But what can we expect from a bunch of kids so devoid of imagination? There is no sense of play or fun in these kids. I mean hell, they have a huge quilt hanging in the hallway of their school which is a remembrance of 9/11. Putting aside the fact that not a single kid in grades K-8 can really remember the events of 9/11, I find the fact that their quilt depicts the actual attack on the Twin Towers tasteless beyond belief. I shit you not, gentle readers. The center of the quilt contained two towers with quilty smoke pouring out from them. I'm surprised there weren't tiny quilty figures leaping from the quilty windows. This is what these kids pass by every day of their lives.This is the attitude of this school. A school where they hover over the kids the entire lunch period, reminding them over and over again how little time they have to eat and to hurry up and get done. Forget any chance these kids have to socialize in any kind of human, kid way. Sit down, shut up, stuff your face, get up, leave, go to your next scheduled activity which you won't be allowed to enjoy because beforehand you will be instructed in no uncertain terms that anything besides complete silence equates with misbehavior and will be punished. I believe stoning is the accepted form for snickering at a talking Frog.

Please, send your kids to public school. If you are concerned for their safety and the quality of their education, then get involved and do something rather than giving away your responsibility to a bunch of religious Nazis. Besides, it'll make my life easier--they have much better coffee in public schools. And THAT is truly a blessing from above.