All the News That's Fit to Print

I HAVE RETURNED! Yes, gentle readers, it has happened. I have finally come back to you.....anybody still out there? Hope so. It's been a busy month or so. Murder In Green Meadows played to enthusiastic crowds, and was very well-received critically. I almost couldn't believe I was in it. I have to say, it was one of my favorite theatrical experiences since moving to Chicago. The cast was amazing, and the whole run was a joy. I made some very dear friends while doing the show and I consider myself extremely lucky to have had the chance to perform such a kick-ass role in such a well-written, well-directed and well-received play. The only down side was the show only ran three weekends. But from that some really good stuff might come. The man who's in charge of Citadel Theatre seems to want me help run a brand new TYA program come the next school year. We'll see if it happens, but if I could have a regular gig that pays steady and still lets me do kid's theatre, I believe I could die happy. Also, thanks to the people I have met through this theatre, i have decided to take the bull by the proverbial horns and put together a staged reading of a play I wrote back in...dear lord...1996. Well, to be fair, it had a reading back in 2006, I believe, and underwent a major rewrite, but now I feel it's ready for production, and I plan on putting together a reading to which i will invite people with money or decision making power. (Preferably both) Thankfully, due to my participation in Murder In Green Meadows, I have met a very talented young lady who will be perfect for the lead female--a role which I was having a hard time filling. But I think, if it gets off the ground, this reading could result in something pretty damn special. Fingers crossed.

I am also writing two other shows--a highly inappropriate farce which should get a run sometime in either March or April at a small theatre in the city thanks to the murder mystery theatre company I work with. The show promises to be very fun and contain absolutely no artistic merit whatsoever--but a lot of boob jokes. And I am writing an expanded murder mystery to possibly be produced by another startup company a few people from the nude show have started. They're looking to do it in the fall, so who knows? I may have scripts of mine all over this town, and this time, they'll be doing more than lining birdcages! (That's not true--none of my scripts lined birdcages--they never got that far...) I am also in the middle of rehearsals for my next show--Out Of Order, a wonderful farce by the master himself, Ray Cooney. It's a lot of fun, since my character is in every scene save for four. It's a lot of physical exertion and chaos, so I look at it as getting paid to join a gym. The cast is a lot of fun, and I think the show itself is going to be a huge success. But what the hell do I know? I liked Clear Pepsi. I'll also be doing some standup at the end of the month, so if you're in the Chicago area and can make it to the Black Rock Pub at Damen and Addison the Tuesday after Christmas, you can come in and see me making fun of pretty much anything--including myself. I do plan on sleeping at some point, but probably not before the next Presidential election.

I would like to talk today about Tiger Woods. I know that there have been a lot of newsworthy things that have happened between my last post and this one, and god knows that enough people have talked about Tiger Woods. I normally don't like to jump on any kind of media bandwagon, but I think there is something that needs to be addressed that  (amazingly) the media has missed, or (more likely) ignored. See, I don't want to talk about the fact that Tiger Woods was unfaithful First off, that's what EVERYBODY talks about, and where's the fun in following the flock? Secondly, I don't think it's that big a deal to merit this much coverage. What. you mean that a professional athlete turned out to have problems with fidelity? Stop the presses! This is something we've never heard before! And the whole thing about it tarnishing his image is a bunch of baloney as well. Tiger Woods' image was that of an intensely private guy who didn't let the media that much into his personal life in the first place.  AND I don't see what the big deal about the infidelity is, since it seems his wife was aware he was unfaithful and just wanted it kept quiet. She didn't lose it because he cheated, but because he was indiscreet about it. 

So what AM I talking about? The wife. What I think the point of the story is, and what I think the focus of the media should be, is that this woman went batshit crazy and attacked her husband with a golf club. Yes, he was in a vehicle, but still, she grabbed a weapon and attacked him. Why hasn't more been made out of this? Anybody wonder if maybe the reason Tiger spends so much time on the road and HAS affairs is because he got himself married to a batshit crazy, golf-club wielding, SUV-attacking bitch on wheels? Why is this woman given a pass in the media? Because her husband cheated on her? Really? That's it? He sleeps around (which, as I said before, she pretty much already knew about) and because he didn't keep it on the down low as much as before, she takes a club and attacks him and that's okay? For all of you ladies (and yes, I know you're out there, I can hear the hisses of righteous indignation and feminist fury from here) who are bristling at the idea that this woman could possibly be cast in any light other than that of poor innocent victim betrayed by the man she loved, let me remind you that a) she apparently was fine with him getting some on the side as long as he was quiet about it--that lifestyle covers a multitude of sins, apparently...now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger..... and b) what would the reaction be if the roles had been reversed? If she had cheated on HIM and HE had taken a golf club to HER car while she was in it, causing her to tear away and ram into several objects? I suggest that the media would be running stories not about her infidelity, but rather about Tiger's violent streak and his temper and could this be what drove the poor woman into the arms of another man? In short, it would be about the attack, not the cheating. I see no reason why it shouldn't be about that now. The fact the woman was willing to go into that kind of fury and on that sortof rampage speaks to a deeper problem than Tiger sinking his balls into a strange hole.

And may i give Tiger some advice? First, if your wife lays ground rules under which you are allowed to sleep around, STICK TO THEM. That is an envelope you DON'T need to push. Please, I speak for all men when I say, DON'T LOOK THAT GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH! I know it's hard to be discreet when you're followed by photographers all day long, but when you've got that kind of leeway, FIND A WAY. Also, this decision by him to take an indefinite break from golf is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have every heard. First off, playing golf, winning championships and making a shitload of money is what made this woman be okay with your infidelities in the first place (again, I ain't sayin' she's a golddigger....) so pulling out of the thing that made you successful in the first place is pretty damn stupid. Secondly, your image has taken a hit, justified or not, and that means your endorsements may suffer, which will affect your bottom line, which leads me back to the reason above (but she ain't playin' with no broke--) You want your image to rebound? Go out and win another championship....while UNDER meida scrutiny. Coming out on top under stressful emotional conditions is a story that we all love, and will immediately help your image, which will calm down your endorsement deals, which will make you a shitload of money, which will shut your batshit crazy, Big-Bertha-swinging, vehicular manslaughtering bitch on wheels wife the hell up, which in turn will allow you to go back to driving down a strange fairway, if you know what I mean. And really, why the hell do you want to get within striking distance of that woman?

All in all, I think that considering the other stories in the news right now, what with the climate summit, and conservatives trying to make sure that health care reform goes the way of the unicorn, a golfer putting on a strange green is the least of our worries. And certainly less of a story than the nutball woman who tried to use his neck as a tee and his head as a ball. So let's focus on what's important--figuring out a way to get Tiger Woods' fidelity rules into widespread use for men everywhere.... Pond in 2012--Bringing New Meaning to Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled government

Greetings, gentle readers! I return with yet another update. I really do try to make this more regular, but when you read what's been going on, you'll understand and forgive me. Thankfully, I believe things may just get a little less crazy in the next few weeks, so who nows? You may hear from me more often. If any of you are still out there, that is. I've been going a little nuts with work lately. Black Comedy closed on Halloween, and the run was very nice, if a little less rousing than I had hoped. But the final night was packed and the audience there actually understood British comedy, so we went out on a high. The theatre company was also nice to work for, even though they insisted on us doing calisthenics before each and every performance. Maybe I'm just cynical, maybe I'm just grumpy, maybe I've just got bad knees, but I'm never happy when someone tells me how I have to warm up. I've developed a very effective warm-up regimen in my many years of theatre which requires little to no effort on my part, aside from buying an extra coffee or Rockstar. To me, that's really all one needs. I understand that there are people out there who require more...aggressive...warmups, and to them, I say, go for it. I'll be over here sipping my coffee. But regardless of that, I did like the people who ran the theatre so it wasn't all that onerous. Especially when one lives far away from the theatre like I do and have run-ins with traffic that keeps one from getting there until calisthenics are almost over...(shucks)

Whilst in performance for Black Comedy, I started rehearsals for a psychological thriller, Murder In Green Meadow. I play a psycho--a stretch for me, I know. But the show itself is really good and we open this Friday--one of the reasons I haven't been around much. The other reason is that I was also in rehearsals and have started performances of a children's theatre production of Cinderella, in which I play--no, not Cinderella, but it's sweet of you to say so--Prince Charming's sidekick, the palace Fool. Yeah, THERE'S a stretch! The big news is that I got a call from the Metropolis Theatre which is a very nie non-Equity theatre in the Chicagoland area and was offered the lead in their farce, Out of Order. The hitch was that it runs at the same time the other farce I was cast in (It Runs in the Family) was set to run. To those of you who know me, this is a dilemma roughly on par with whether or not one should use torture to interrogate suspected terrorists. (Well, bigger, actually, since the answer to this dilemma isn't quite so clear) I hate backing out of something once I've given my word that I'll do it. BUT Metropolis pays at least twice what the other theatre does and is significantly closer to my house And since as far as the government is concerned both my wife and I are still unemployed, money won out. THAT was not a happy phone call, believe you me. It's long been a belief of mine that the main reason I will never become hugely famous and successful (aside from my complete lack of either movie star looks or dynamite talent) is that I don't have that killer instinct when it comes to my career. I find it very hard to be mercenary. I was fully intending to turn Metropolis down because they waited too long to cast me and I was taken by someone else. BUT, more level heads prevailed and I took the gig that would actually pay me. It's not something I do often and it certainly won't become the norm for me, because I just have serious issues with backing out of a job, regardless of how small the paycheck is. But for right now I did the smart thing. Don't worry--it can't last. 

That statement brings me quite neatly, I believe, to the topic of this particular blog's discussion. I was planning prior to this to do something about how I've started listening to NPR lately, just to see what all the hype is about. I have a lot of friends who swear by NPR, and I wanted to see why. I still don't know. I assume it's due to the fact that NPR seems to be the one news outlet around that isn't violently tilted one way or the other, or which throws out lies and speculation as fact (hear that, FOX?) And believe me, I appreciate it. I get well-thought out and in-depth reporting about subjects without hysteria or hype. Unfortunately, they are also without anything that makes them remotely interesting to listen to. The subjects are intriguing, the facts are startling sometimes and the discourse is always eloquent, but it is presented in a way that makes me want to beat m head against a wall. All I can say about NPR is that the SNL sketch of the two public radio DJs is in no way bland enough. The characters in that skit have way too much personality and modulation in their voices to ever work on NPR. Just because you are seeking to be objective and present both sides of an argument doesn't mean you have to act as if the entire concept bores you. And Garrison Keillor is NOT funny. EVER. In any way. Just accept it and stop trying to foist him off on us as quirky and comical. He's quirky I'll give you that, but he's as funny as a brussel sprout cocktail.

So no, today's post is NOT about NPR, but rather no longer doing the smart thing. This can be seen by the recent gubernatorial elections in Virginia and New Jersey, where Democratic candidates were ousted by Republicans. This has led people to question whether this is a problem for the Obama administration. The Republican party of course claims this shows that the people are tired of Obama's "liberal agenda".  I guess they could be right, or would be right, if Obama had, in fact, gotten any liberal agenda moving in this country. There hasn't been anything NEAR a progressive movement in this country since the election. And part of the reason for that is precisely because the Republicans have done everything they can to block anything actually happening. And they do this not through debate but through fear tactics and lies. They use the same witch-hunt tactics McCarthy used back in the 50's to smear any program Obama comes up with as "socialist", and in other cases, they just outright lie. This country hasn't seen anything approaching a liberal agenda. We haven't seen anything approaching an agenda, because whatever is started is immediately weighted down by the Republicans and the Democrats, for reasons of<>

But see, here's the thing. I am pissed that the Republicans use these tactics, and I'm pissed that the Democrats actually think they have to take these putzes seriously enough to give their voice some weight. But who I'm REALLY sick of is us. Well, YOU people. You idiots in Virginia and New Jersey. You assholes in Maine who decided that laws your legislature passes don't apply to you so you're going to demand they go to a referendum. I'm sick of the morons who try to defend the Republicans as being anything except sore losers who want to do everything they can to make a president fail so they can point and say, "told ya so." I'm sick of people who actually think Glenn Beck isn't a douche. I'm sick of people who think Fox News actually lives up to the second word in its name. And I'm sick of people insisting they want something to change, but thy don't want to lose anything , or even have the chance that maybe something in their life might change. I'm sick of people who prefer stagnation and call it stability. And that's what you're voting for when you vote for the right at this point in history. Consider this, my friends. You are voting to put into power the very people who screwed everything up in the first place. You have hired thieves to investigate their own theft. It's like Jews electing ex-Nazis. (And come on, the only people who would do THAT is the Vatican....) These people have absolutely no plan for fixing what they broke. All they know is they don't want the other guy to fix it. So they insist that what broke it will fix it. Why should we change anything? All we have to do is make sure that the private sector has as much money as it needs, and we can let private businesses run without interference from the government and then the market will take care of everything. Come on, when did THAT ever lead to a problem? Oh wait....

And we LET THEM DO THIS! We insist that we want health care reform, and then the minute that something is introduced that will actually reform health care, we go running for the hills because someone has suggested that a public option might, just might, mean that you would lose the health insurance you bitch about so much now. Never mind that you would still be covered by a plan that would cost YOU less money and not have any of the restrictions that your present plan has, and never mind the further fact that you WOULDN'T lose the crappy HMO you now have unless you wanted to get rid of it, no, we have to run in fear from socialized medicine, because that' what the men in the expensive suits told us we should do. You know, the men who all work for the insurance companies that hold the policies we hate so much until someone threatens to give us something BETTER. We are a county of tsetse flies. We have a memory that only lasts as long as the last commercial break. A year ago we had had enough of shitty government (a government which was WAY more intrusive into our personal liberties and freedoms than anything Obama has ever advocated) and we elected someone who promised sweeping changes. ANd we were energized. Then he started to try to MAKE those sweeping changes and we decided we didn't want to sweep that much...well, anything, actually. ANd it has been shown by the actions of these people in those two states this month. ANd by the fact that despite how much talk there has been about the spread of socialism and Obama's attack on our core values as Americans, there hasn't been a single thing to get out of Washington with any kind of progressive teeth in it. And it is because of us. And I am sick of it. The arts dry up in this country, we are among the least informed and least involved countries in the world when it comes to our electorate, and we are slipping from the ranks of the world in many categories save for military spending and consumerism, and yet we refuse to change. We open up the question of lawmaking to the masses, and we get repeals of laws allowing gays to marry because lies are spread about what the laws entail and people's basest fears and prejudices are played to. And before you start saying that referendums are just the idea of democracy at work, of letting the people have a voice in the process, remember that at one time in this country, had we opened up the question to a referendum, women would not have been allowed to vote, black and whites wouldn't have been able to marry, and slavery would never have been overturned. The masses, as the founding fathers that the right like to use in their speeches liked to say, are asses. And the right realizes this, and it uses it to its advantage. STOP BEING ASSES. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Hello gentle readers! I know, I know, it's a shock to hear from me so soon after my last posting, but the reason is this--first, there's some great stuff to talk about, and secondly, I like to keep you all on your toes and unsure of just what will happen next. So while you're all off balance, I shall swoop in and plant my flag on your psyche. You may feel a little pinch...

So by now I think everyone with an internet connection and a pulse has seen the video of Hugh Jackman calling out a theatre patron for having his cell phone on and not answering it during a preview performance of "A Steady Rain", starring Jackman and Daniel Craig. If not, try this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HopA_Oh46M&feature=player_embedded. Or just go to youtube and look up Jackman and cell phone or something like that. The upshot of it is, they were attempting to do a play, and some yokel didn't turn off his cell phone, and when it started to ring, apparently decided that answering it was far ruder than letting it continue to ring over and over again. When i first saw this video, I scrolled down and read the comments underneath it to see what the general population of the internet felt about this, since I knew what all the actors I knew would feel about it (That, incidentally, is YAY!!!!) Across the board, the regular folks (if you can count people who comment online about videos as regular) felt that the actors were justified. But there were actually people who attempted to defend the moron in the audience and castigate the actors for not being "professional" enough to ignore the phone. Even some publications were accusing jackman of a "hissy fit". Let me take these statements in reverse order. What Jackman and Craig did was not a hissy fit. You want a hissy fit, rewind to the great Christian Bale bawl-out. THAT'S a hissy fit. These two guys didn't drop character, did not rip the guy a new one, and at no time insulted or said anything derogatory about the person at all. From what I can hear on the video, they didn't even swear. They asked him repeatedly to answer the phone, and waited until such time as he actually did before continuing on with the show. They didn't say, "Hey, dumbass, I know that you're too much of a mental incompetent to have remembered that you were told at the beginning of this show to turn off your cell phone, but now that it's actually ringing and disturbing everyone around you, do you think you might have enough intellect to realize you should either turn it off or answer it? I mean, don't let us disturb you, but just for shits and giggles, do you think you could act like a considerate human being and not the walking pile of stupid you happen to be?" THAT would also qualify as a hissy fit. Consider yourself schooled, fourth estate.

As to the other statements which, though of varying levels of clarity, conciseness, and correct punctuation, boiled down to saying the big bad movie stars should shut up, suck it up, and just do their show while leaving the poor guy alone because heck, he might have been a doctor or someone important, all I can say is.....NO! No to the concept that anyone should be allowed to disrupt a production like that. To those who claim he may have a been a doctor, I say, I doubt it, since he let that damn thing ring a looooooooooooong time, so even if he were a doctor, that particular call couldn't have been that important. And a doctor can feel a phone on vibrate going off in his pants. I also say NO to the people who think that a actor should suck it up and soldier through an idiot with a cell phone the same way they soldier on through coughing, sneezing, or any other disturbance. On the face of it, that is a compelling argument. Actors in live theatre do have to deal with certain distractions as a part of the genre. But the difference between someone coughing or sneezing and someone letting their cell phone ring is one of control. It's hard to control a cough or a sneeze. It is not at all difficult to control whether your cell phone is audible. That's why the announcements tell you not to take flash pictures and to turn off your cell phones instead of telling you you aren't allowed to cough or sneeze during the performance. 

And the fact that people are attempting to excuse what this guy did brings me to why I really am happy that Jackman and Craig did this. It's a question of respect. And not just respect for the actor, though that is primarily where I see it from. It's respect for the people around you who have also paid their money to see this, and have somehow managed to comply with the requests and the rules. Yet you, Mr. "I can't turn off my cell phone" feel you are not bound by these rules and requests. What, you're that special? I guarantee you, you're not. You might be short-bus, wear a helmet so you don't hurt yourself when you bang your head against the window, my mommy says I'm special special, but you aren't special enough to be allowed to flout the rules the rest of us manage to abide by. But I want to speak, for a moment (okay, several) about the lack of respect this shows for the two men onstage. As a professional actor, I can tell you firsthand that my career gets (to quote Mr Dangerfield) no respect at all. Sure, if an actor becomes big and famous, we idolize them, but what he does for a living isn't respected. The success and the things that brings with it--THAT gets respect, but not the career itself. Because if it did, then the Tonys would be as big as the Oscars. Regional theatres would be as packed as movie houses even if Wolverine and James Bond weren't playing there. Acting is a career that everyone thinks they can do. Tell people at a party what you do for a living and you get, "Oh yeah, I did some acting in high school/college." "That must be fun." "I thought about doing that, but y'know, I had to get a job." What amazes me is that when you get right down to it, we do the one thing that, while everyone thinks that if they appeared onstage at any time in their life they are an actor, scares the living hell out of people. We get up in front of people and talk. ANd that always ranks as the scariest thing anyone can think of. It outranks death. Public speaking is more terrifying than dying to people. And we do it every day. Actors also live an incredibly unstable life, with employment hard to come by and short-term even when it is present. Most people would not be able to handle the level of insecurity that is attached to this career choice. And few if any truly can understand the amount of energy and effort that goes into a performance. It's just "playing" to most people. We in this country (speaking generally) have little regard for the arts. But then, let's face it, we have little regard for culture of any kind that isn't growing in a petri dish (and even that culture some of us are unsure of--I mean, that might be some of that science stuff that keeps messin' things up. I mean hell, you start growing fungus in a dish, the next thing you know the homos are gettin' married and evolution is being taught in schools!)

THis was brought home to me tonight while I was at rehearsal for "Murder In Green Meadows". The space we rehearse in also is utilized by a drama instruction program for kids, and their class was letting out as we were arriving. And I saw all these kids running around practicing scenes, and their parents showing up and beaming at the kids, proud smiles glowing. And I realized that the issue at hand was that, in this country at least, (I can't speak for others since I've only lived and worked in this one) acting is something we all think is so cute for kids to do; we oooh and aaaah and take pictures of our kids in the school play and talk about how wonderful they are and how great they looked and what talent they all have. But at a certain age, we expect them to stop it, or to relegate it to the back burner in favor of something more successful, more stable, more respectable. We don't respect what actors do, because as far as we can see, it's what our kids do. And why should we respect grown men doing something that little Janie can do at age 6? Now, I'm not saying my job is as important as a brain surgeon, or a policeman or fireman. It's not. But if you really stop and think about it, what do you think your life would be like without the arts in it? And I don't just mean fine art hanging in a museum somewhere. I mean, actors and musicians and painters and comedians and jugglers and singers and even (god help us all) mimes. Think about what your day would be like if all that went away. Think about what kind of country this would be if what seems to be happening in our schools and our communities actually does happen and arts funding is cut so low that hardly anything can survive. Think about how many hours of your day are actually filled with the arts; of your children's day. Think about exactly what it takes to put together something just to entertain you, to lighten your mood and to brighten your day. Think about the amount of work it takes to make you laugh for a half hour on television. Or to move you emotionally in a movie or a play. Think about how you feel when you see that movie or listen to that music or see that sculpture or play. Think about that, and turn your damn cell phone off.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Greetings, gentle readers. I have returned, bringing with me this useful tidbit of knowledge. Blogging is wonderful, because believe me, ranting on a street corner results in all kinds of unpleasantness. Things have moving on apace in my life. I have opened "Black Comedy" to rave review. Sadly, the other reviews merely made the cast rave. But what the hell-it's a farce, and when you get down to brass tacks (I'm not exactly sure where brass tacks are, but it is apparently quite far down) farces elicit strong extremes in opinion. And the audience laughs, so really, what more can I ask for? (Well, I have a long list of other thing I can ask for, but considering most of them are either illegal, immoral, or both, laughter is going to have to be it.) I have also started rehearsals for the thriller in which I play a psycho. That should be fun. And I have rehearsals starting for a murder mystery I wrote on Monday (The rehearsals start Monday--I didn't write it on Monday....just want to be clear) It's 80's themed, and I am not in it, even though I believe I may be the only person involved with it who was actually alive and cognizant during the aforementioned decade. I don't really have time to be directing a show, but that never stopped me before, so why should I start now? 

I am very hopeful for this new theatre company I am trying to put together. The people involved want to do quite a bit with it--beyond murder mysteries, they want to book standup comics, cabaret performers, and also produce full-length plays. They are also open to a children's theatre arm as well. I'm sure it'll crash and burn like every other opportunity for advancement I've had in the last ten years but hey, it's fun during the honeymoon period when all things are possible. Please pardon my cynicism. I'm just working too hard for no money. It's been suggested that I join the union. Then I can skip the working too hard and stick with the no money. I guess that's progress. 

I guess what's really bugging me is twofold. First, I heard a story today about a federal census worker who was killed in Lexington, KY. Apparently he was found duct taped to a tree and asphyxiated. He was naked, his hands and feet were bound with duct tape, his census taker ID was taped to him, and the word "Fed" was written across his chest. Law enforcement authorities have yet to determine if this was a homicide or suicide or accident. Proving that the South really is stupid. And dangerous. Apparently, in this particular part of KY, there is a strong distrustful feeling toward the federal government, in part because in the section where this happened, there is a lot of moonshine and drug trafficking. (Yes, I'm not making up the moonshine thing. Apparently, they still fear the "revenooers") Also, they like to make meth up in that part of the country. It isn't known if maybe he stumbled into something he shouldn't have seen, or whether someone took his asking questions for the census to be a cover for attempting to push a progressive socialist agenda. Either way, he ended up dead. And the cops can't decide if it was murder. Really? I can see not wanting to release what you know about the scene to the press, or being reticent to suggest a motive. But you haven't decided if it was homicide or not? There's a QUESTION? I guess he could've duct taped himself to the tree, then written on his chest (upside down and backward), bound his feet, taped his ID card to his neck, wrapped whatever he used to strangle himself with around his neck, and right before he lost consciousness bound his wrists and welcomed the sweet release of death because he had lost his passion for census taking. But somehow, I doubt it.

And what of the people who did this? I can't even begin to imagine what was going through their heads, because I can't imgine what about the census would make one so paranoid or angry that murder would be their only recourse. "That feller asked me how many people live in my house, and I can't abide 'rithmetic. It's the tool of the devil. I guess it's time for a ritual tapin'." I was amazed by this until I actually looked through the book, "1001 things to Do with Duct Tape" and found that #997 was actually "Asphyxiate a nosy census worker up against a tree. (Kentucky Residents Only)" It was then followed by a definition of the word "asphyxiate" for the aforesaid residents. I want to make clear that I am not a proponent of the death penalty. The whole concept of using an act to punish that same act is illogical and stupid. Plus, it doesn't serve as a deterrent. People who PLAN murders do so convinced that they will escape detection, and therefore the punishment for being caught is not a worry. And people who murder in the heat of passion or due to some mental deficiency are not thinking straight to begin with, so consequences don't figure into their thought process. So all in all, the death penalty is less about justice and less about deterrence than it is about revenge. And I think that's just plain ridiculous. But, when i think of the kind of person it takes to think that someone working for the census bureau deserves the kind of death this man went through, then I want to take th group of them and get rid of them all. Not as revenge, not as justice, not as a deterrent to others. I want to do it to cut out a cancer. To remove a disease from society. Because I guarantee you, those people are the type that breed like rabbits, and they are more than willing to pass their dangerous stupidity and paranoia on to the next generation. So a small part of me would like to find a large hole, drop them all into it, and cover it up. Cut out the sick part and let the body heal.

But I can't get behind that idea completely, and part of that is due to the other reason I'm a bit melancholy. It was Jim Henson's birthday yesterday. He would've been 73 years old. This may not mean much to those of you gentle readers who were not alive at the same time as Mr. Henson, or at least not at an age that really could grasp who he was. But I remember when i heard he had died. I have lost both my maternal grandparents. I have lost a friend I went to high school with shortly after graduation. I shed no tears when those happened. I wept when i heard Jim Henson had died. I was a regular watcher of Sesame Street until I graduated college. I watched the Muppet Show growing up. I remember the awe i felt when i saw "The Muppet Movie" for the first time in a theater and saw Kermit riding a bike. They were amazing they were incredible. They taught me all the important things I needed to know, and they made me laugh. They also made me cry. I dare anyone to watch the Sesame Street episode dealing with Mr. Hooper's death and not cry like a baby as Big Bird learns what death really means. The Muppets were more than puppets with silly voices. They were fully-realized characters who it was impossible not to be charmed by. We recognized them as people that we meet when we're walking down the street. They're the people that we meet each day. We recognized them as ourselves; the popularity of Elmo (who I have to admit to not being a huge fan of, but then, I am an adult and a lifelong Grover fan) is a direct relation to how accessible he is to children. They see themselves in him, and as he discovers things, so do they. He is them, he is their little brother, he is their best friend. Just as I was drawn to the characteristics I saw in Grover, and Kermit, and Oscar. ll of them had things about them we all recognize about ourselves. That's why Sesame Street is still the best kids show on TV 40 years after it started. And Henson's imagination was boundless. "Labyrinth" and "The Dark Crystal" are masterpieces. Perhaps not of cinema, but of imagination and creativity. I mean, a decade after I was amazed to see a Muppet ride a bike, I was doubly amazed to see one pee. And the characters in "Dark Crystal" scare the hell out of me now, and I'm 37. It's amazing what he accomplished. Jim Henson WAS my childhood. And he died of pneumonia. Quite possibly the silliest thing for an adult to die of. He died, and something changed. The Muppets still live on his legacy still lives on, and the quality of the product is still far surpassing the competition. But there's something missing. Jim Henson represented that childlike love and wonder about life. He by all accounts was a gentle man who loved what he did and had a great imagination and love of life. And when he died, that childlike wonder left. He was hugely successful yet didn't have to be a greedy cutthroat SOB to accomplish that. There isn't enough of that attitude in the world anymore. I always wanted to be like Jim Henson. I wanted to have that kind of job. Hell, when I first started acting, my big goal was to appear on Sesame Street just so I could talk to a Muppet. I want that kind of attitude to flourish i the world. So I cannot listen to the small part of me that wants to get rid of the people who did that to the census taker. There has to be a way for the attitude of loving life, of seeing yourself in the other people aroud you, of seeing things through a more innocent lens to make it in the world. We have to be able to see others as the people that we meet when we're walking down the street. They're the people that you meet each day....so be kind to them. Run up to them, yell HEEEEEEEEEEEY FROGGY BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! and slap them on the back. ASk them to join you in doing the Pigeon. And ask them if they'd like to see a frog ride a bike and a pig win a beauty pageant. If they do, then chances are you'll become friends. because no-one can stay mad around the Muppets.

Them's Fighting Words

Hello gentle readers! Another chunk of time has passed since we last spoke--well, since I last ranted and you last sat through it politely. Many things have happened in that time--mainly I have decided that to make up for the amount of time I was unemployed, I would allow myself to become as over-employed as was humanly possible, then throw in a couple of part-time jobs for good measure. "Blac Comedy" is getting ready to open at the end of next week, and I will soon start rehearsals for a children's production of Cinderella which will run from october-January, in the middle of which will be Christmas Carol. They're getting me an understudy because they love me so much. That's where I'm a rockstar--kid's theatre.  I'll also be appearing next in lake forest in a thriller called Murder in Green Meadows--paying a psycho--which seems like a stretch for me only to those of you who are NOT my exes. I am also doing a play reading in October of a new play which will be read for people from the Goodman and Steppenwolf, amongst others. Apparently, I come off very believable as an out of shape forty-year-old gay man. (Again, only a stretch to believe for those of you I never dated) And I found work for the spring. I will be playing the lead (one of them anyway) in a Ray Cooney farce called It Runs in the Family, and then after that playing a boxing manager in Heaven Can Wait. So my year is booked Now all i need is someone to tell me where I can go to get a job that results in money. Oh, and because I have so much free time, I've agreed to help a theatre company get off the ground by writing, directing, and acting in their shows. (Not necessarily all at the same time) So if nothing else, my marriage will survive because I'll never be home. I've always said employment is the best marital aid....

The main reason I'm writing, however, has nothing to do with me personally, but rather the alarming trend I'm seeing these days, which is the creeping ooze of stupid that is slowly but surely covering our country. It reared its moronic head most recently in the protests stirred up by the right wing over Obama's shocking and flagrant disregard for the sanctity of America's youth by planning on addressing the nation's schools over the White House web site to give a speech about the importance of education, hard work, and staying in school. Apparently conservatives were appalled by the notion that the President of the United States might discuss things like getting a good education with those getting it. The issue seemed to revolve around the after-speech discussion materials where the President asked the children to do such un-American and subversive things as answer the question "What is President Obama asking me to do?"  and "What is President Obama inspiring me to do?" He then goes on to require the children to write letters to themselves making pledges as to what they can do to help Obama help them meet their goals. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what the right sees as indoctrination and brainwashing. And they made a big enough stink that schools are offering concerned (ie stupid) parents the option of keeping their children home during that school day so as not to be brainwashed by Obama asking their children to work hard and stay in school.

I wish i could laugh at this. i wish I could mock these people in a way that would have everyone who read the mockery rolling in the aisles and make the recipients of the mockery so ashamed of themselves that they would never show their face in the light of day and would instead crawl off to some uninhabited location where they could spawn their blank slate offspring in peace and teach them only good wholesome things like the fact that dinosaurs didn't really exist and science is only something to use when it helps you make gasoline out of oil. That cannot happen because a) The Duggars have already populated the last open bit of this country and b) these people aren't funny. Of course they ARE--read anything they write or listen to anything they say and you can't help but laugh at the sheer inanity of it. You chuckle at the fractured logic and disjointed scattering of reason that leads them to these conclusions. But that's the problem. Those of us who aren't of that ilk--otherwise known as the ones with brains--have been laughing at these imbeciles for years, while these imbeciles have slowly taken over the country. This creeping ooze of ignorance, anger, fear  and suspicion has permeated the country to a point where facts and truth no longer hold sway. These people actually are upset that their children might become part of social change. They might actually (gasp) help bring it about! How dare Obama talk to my children about his progressive agenda? they cry in outrage. When did progressive become a dirty word? Especially at a time in history when everyone admits that things need to change? I was hopeful when Obama was elected. I was hopeful that finally this country had had enough of the backwoods, good ol' boy, ain't had much book-learnin', but hey, I got me a load of horse sense approach to politics and government. I had hoped that after eight years of watching this country get broken almost beyond repair again and again, people were ready and anxious for things to get better. I mean, hell, even our last president's own party couldn't defend him any more! I even kept my hope alive as Obama preached bipartisanship.  But my hope is gone. The right has no interest in working in a bipartisan manner. And they have no interest in changing anything. The right is the guy who threw a bunch of silverware into the garbage disposal and turned it on, then bitches at the plumber when he says it needs to be replaced. They would prefer to keep using the same disposal, thank you very much. Just put some chrome on it so it looks like new.

From sabotaging debates on health care, to cooking up a birth certificate scandal, to now suggesting that a speech to school children is somehow a diabolical plan to initiate them into some sort of socialist cadre of mindless drones, the right has shown again and again that all it is interested in is making sure that nothing changes in this country. And it is our fault. We have allowed it to happen because we laughed at them, thinking no-one could ever take these blatant lies and idiotic notions seriously. We had faith in our fellow men, and our fellow men turned out to be gullible, uneducated, fearful, selfish, grasping and easily manipulated. The right has worked on insinuating itself into the minds of a certain part of society. They have ignored the rich and the corporations for the most part because those people are never going to back the left. But they have wormed their way into a part of society very aptly described by Obama during his campaign--those that during times of crisis grab on to their Bibles, their guns and their fear. These are people who do not think things through. They do not test concepts or analyze them. If someone appeals to their gut, or their God, then they must be right. If they warn of socialists coming in and taking what they have worked for, they will believe it, even though by doing so they are actually working against their own best interest. People marching in Tea Parties protesting tax hikes that do not affect them, AND a plan that would actually REDUCE their taxes. But did they take the time to find out what was happening? No. Someone just yelled "HIGHER TAXES" and they flocked like lemmings to a cliff. Public health care won't take away anyones coverage--merely give coverage to those who do not have it. Do they look into it? No, someone just yells "SOCIALISM" and they turn out to fight it, barely any of them realizing the police that help protect their right to protest are a socialistic force. They protest gay marriage due to the damage such a thing could do to them, even though it wouldn't affect them a damn bit. But someone yelled "SIN" and since they're already willing to accept a fairy tale as a blueprint for living their lives, why question the discrimination against a group? I mean, after Jesus was really big on that exclusion thing. And now they've yelled "BRAINWASHING" and these idiots will line up and insist that they be allowed to remove their children from being able to hear a speech by the President. And for some reason we take these people seriously. We give credence to their concerns and adjust accordingly. No-one was able to keep their children from having to listen to Reagan's speech to the school children, and if here was ever a guy who was nothing but a propaganda=spewing puppet, it was him--until Bush Jr came along. But other Presidents have made a speech and no-one blinked. But now, Obama is going to talk, and we've seen that he actually has an effect on people, so the right needs to stir something up. And the meek, unthinking, laughably unaware line up behind and decry the outrage of their children being told to stay in school and work hard. 

We need to stop taking these people seriously. We need to laugh at them, no question, but we need to laugh at them TO THEIR FACES. We need to tell them they are idiots, they are morons, and no, their opinion, while they are entitled to it, is not required, nor requested. We need to stop dumbing down our education to allow for the crackpot concept of "teaching the controversy" and "Intelligent design". Let me tell you what the controversy is--evidence supports science, your faith wants it to be something else. Guess what should win in a school? Yep--the evidence. You don't like it, tough. You think that offering health care to everyone, that treating all people with dignity and respect is socialism? Good for you. Duly noted. Now please stand aside while we fix the crappy system you broke. You think being gay is a sin and shouldn't be allowed to enter into the sacrament of marriage under any circumstance? Thanks for letting us know. Now if you don't mind, we have a country to yank out of the 19th century. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that doesn't mean every opinion is entitled to consideration. And when the opinions are come to without any kind of reason, rationality, or logic, then they should not be allowed to influence the actions of people who are trying to change what is broken. You want to live with a busted garbage disposal, you go right ahead. The rest of us would like the plumber to o his job. Pond in 2012--The Laughing Elite.

He's Baaaaaaaaaaack!

Greetings, gentle readers! I return to you after a most tumultuous few months. Well, several weeks. I have been most busy, and thusly have had to restrict myself from blogging. Well, to be honest, I really wasn't sure I was doing anything interesting enough to blog about. To be REALLY honest, I just got plain lazy. So there you have it, the plain, unvarnished truth. I regularly refrain from varnishing my truth, since I don't have an open, well-ventilated workspace and therefore have to worry about fumes. But let me try to catch you up on what's been a-happenin'.

I did NOT get cast as Don Quixote in Man of La Mancha. I don't know who they cast, but whoever it is has earned my deepest enmity. You hear that? That's right, I pulled out the enmity. Just consider me the Enmityville horror....kinda like that pun. I did my naked show, and yes, despite my early assumptions, I DID get completely naked onstage. Kinda sorry you didn't come see it, ain't ya? Don't worry--there are pictures. And video. The show went over pretty well. Everyone who came and saw it seemed to like it. Save for the lone critic. But really, who could expect him to recognize the deep meaning behind me as a giant penis? Or an overly-hirsute female? I'd say I was feeding my muse, but I'm not sure which one is in charge of giant phalluses. Thankfully, I really got along well with the cast, so it was a fun experience, no matter how brain-achingly bad some of the sketches were. I went through every level of interviews for and ultimately got cast on Spike TV's "America's Biggest Asshole" reality TV show which was scheduled to start shooting mid-September. I have since been informed that they are putting the show on indefinite hold, since there are creative concerns. I think the main concern is how to make a bunch of guys acting like assholes creative. I had to pass o work due to the filming schedule, so as far as I'M concerned, while I am sure I could've won that show, Spike TV gets MY vote for the Biggest Asshole. I am presently i rehearsals up in Evanston, IL with a nice theatre located in a train station (I am not shitting you, my friends) doing a production of a hilarious British farce called "Black Comedy". It is written by Peter Shafer, the same guy who wrote Equus, which as you may or may not know, was originally written as a farce. I mean come on, it's obvious, really. Blind horse and naked boy--how much funnier can you GET? I've also bee cast as Scrooge in a children's theatre production of an updated Christmas Carol. AND I will be doing some voice-over work for a web sitcom done with puppets called HR. (The show is called HR, not the puppets--that would just get confusing...) All I have to do now is find some work that a) runs during the spring and b) PAYS me....

I have also found out that The Burt Reynolds Institute for Theatre Training (BRITT), which was the training program I attended back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I still had something called hope in relation to my career, has risen from the ashes of closed-down-dom and has been reinvented as BRIFT, which I can only assume stands for Burt Reynolds Is Freebasing Tequila. I mean, what else could it mean? AND the guy who was the Artistic Director of BRITT, a teacher of mine, AND the first guy to ever cast me in an Equity show, is going back to Florida to run BRIFT. (Burt Reynolds' Insight Frightens Tigers) That's kinda cool. I'm wishing them all a lot of luck, and I'm sure they'll remember me...please? Need a job guys...

I've also been saddened by the news of the town hall meeting disruptions on the subject of health care reform. Here's the thing, I can accept disagreement. I can accept debate. I think it's healthy--which is good, because if it wasn't, I doubt it could get treated since it would have no insurance...but I digress. However, wild shouting and disruptions of actual honest debate by people who are brought in by special interests from outside the districts these debates are happening in is not honest debate. It's just more party propaganda. And it's preying on peoples' fears. Fears which are instilled in them and fed BY these special interests. It is sad for me to see this country become a country of cowards. We are allowing fear to put up roadblocks to what could be the first serious change in this country in at least a generation if not more. Bush was so proud of the "mandate" he got from the country on his second election--hell, according to him, even God got in on it. Well, Republicans, the election of Obama was a mandate that this country was sick of the way things had been working. Or NOT working as the case may be. Yet the conservatives in this country do nothing but try to raise the specter of jack-booted socialist thugs sweeping through the country taking away your right to personal wealth and property. Or the insane assertion that we are being ruled by a non-American. Notice that none of these things actually discusses the policies this man is attempting to put into place. Perhaps that's because they know that on an actual discussion of the issues, they'd be crushed. They are the party of "Let's just keep doing what we were doing because that'll fix everything." I submit to you that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. I'm tired of hearing about how dangerous socialism is. Which, when you get down to it is silly since we already have socialism in this country, and have had since the Great Depression screwed us up before (another disaster brought on by completely unregulated laissez-faire economics of the type so extolled by the last administration) These problems are not going to go away quickly, nor are they going to be fixed with half-hearted measures that pander to fear of real, systemic change. Explain to me why every other country in the western world has figured out how to make some form of national health care work, yet we in this country talk about how impossible it is. What, are Americans that selfish, dispassionate and self-centered that they can't conceive of doing something that benefits the whole, even if it calls for some sort of sacrifice on their part? And who the heck cares if the taxes go up as long as they are going toward something that makes life BETTER. If I HAVE to pay taxes, then I would prefer my taxes go to something like making sure sickness is treated and children are educated. None of that is as cool on the news as blowing up a country that had nothing to do with attacking us, I know, but still, it might be nice if the government actually started being for the people. The COnstitution puts forth the idea that the government, while providing for the common defense (which,considering the fact we could blow the world up ten times over, I believe we've done) is also responsible for promoting the general welfare. What could be more firmly under that heading than health care and education? I admit there are extremists on both sides, no question, but the difference here is that the Republican Party, being the voice of the status quo and a broken system, trades in fear and suspicion. What we're getting out of this administration is a vision of what could be if we admitted that the way we have been doing things just no longer works, period. We cannot continue allowing corporations to gouge the economy of this country to pad their profit margins to such insane levels. I'm all for making money, but there has to be some sort of ethical responsibility. You cannot let greed and self-interest run amok. Every time we have allowed that, we have paid the price for it with economic hardships. The problem as far as I see it is that while I applaud Obama's wish to work with the opposition, that only works when the opposition wants to work with you, and they don't. So you know what? Stop playing nice. FDR didn't play nice, and he got shit done. And let me warn you all, you conservatives that somehow think that allowing people the ability to see a doctor without having to mortgage the rest of their lives to do it is somehow going to bring about the collapse of Western civilization,  just wait til MY progressive ass gets in the White House in 2012. You're going to wish you had been nicer to the centrists. Pond in 2012--Bulldozing Through the Bullshitters....

The Bare Truth

I come to you, gentle readers, after my first rehearsal for The Great America Nudie Spectacular. I also come to you after my first real workout in a very long time. Coincidence? Mayhap. Read on, and discover the truth for yourselves. So last night, I met (most of) the cast of GANS (as I shall henceforth refer to it, since typing out the entire name of the show annoys the living hell out of me) and we got down to the very important business of--publicity photos! Yes, apparently for these people, it's far more important to get photos than to start rehearsing the show. I mean after all, we have so much time to get this show on its feet--oh wait, no we don't! But hey, it did mean I got to see the rest of the cast naked. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, the photos were taken with all of us nude. Yes, ALL of us. Including yours truly, there in our pale Midwestern glory. And none more glorious than I. There's a reason they're not actually making me get naked in the show--they don't want to be sued for blinding their audience. BUT (and this is the important part) I was NOT the most out of shape guy there! ha-HA! Thank you, O' Truck Loading Gods! So we all strip down, except for the ladies. Yes, they did divest themselves of everything down to their panties, but apparently none of them could shed those garments since they were all, each one of the three, afflicted by their monthly visitor at exactly the same time (How's that for cast bonding?) And while I do find that both unfair and suspect, I did get to see three pairs of naked breasts, so all is forgiven.

Now, lest you all think this as nothing but some sort of artless thing, Ill have you know it was very high concept. We were photographed with all of us standing in a line (boy, girl, boy girl, boy girl, thank goodness) behind a huge American flag, which happened to be the flag given to our stage manager at the burial of his grandfather, who had served in the military. That's right, we unfolded an official US government memorial soldier flag to hide a bunch of naked actors. But that wasn't the worst part. After we did the chorus line shots, we took individual pictures of each of us posed in various ways, draped in the flag. Yes, pictures of me sitting on some steps naked while draped in an official military "sorry your relative is dead, have a flag" flag do exist. But even THAT wasn't the worst part. The worst part is now we have to find some Marines to refold the damn thing. It was a very odd experience, but odd mostly in how uncomfortable is WASN'T. I guess I might have been ore self-conscious if I had been the only one naked, but then again, maybe not. After all, when you have twenty med students come through an exam room and inspect your genitals and give you a rectal exam (EACH) you get pretty used to being looked at. And the show's aim to demystify and desexualize nudity apparently worked already because all three of the women have very nice bodies (in different ways) and yet, nothing. Which is good, because really, it's not a good idea to have your actors knocking over scenery. The oddest moment came when they were taking pictures of one of the girls and the rest of us were all sitting around waiting our turn or waiting for it b=to be over so they could take another group shot. That meant we all stayed naked. So here we were, sitting around the theatre, all of us completely nude, holding forth on mundane subjects, like why most Ben Stiller movies suck, and why Michael Bay should never be allowed to direct anything except Meat Loaf videos. And again, it was only odd because all of a sudden I realized it wasn't. But worry not, gentle readers, I am not about to adopt a naturalist lifestyle. I burn WAY too easily for that. And besides, I like it when people look into my EYES when they talk to me. Pond in 2012--Commando, No Briefs....

Why Actors piss me off

So all manner of things have been happening, gentle readers, the sheer number of which have kept me from updating you to them, but I shall now, since I'm hanging out in my favorite Chicago coffee shop killing time, let you all in on what's been happening. First off, I was fortunate enough t be called back for Man of La Mancha, my earlier fear of the theatre being stuffy and sanctimonious about a hand puppet audition being completely unfounded. In fact, they are planning on using a hand puppet in the show, so I am more brilliant than I knew. (Oh, happy accidents) That is why I am presently doing such a murderous number on time right now. I have until 8 this evening to find some way to amuse myself. I had an audition this afternoon for a kid's theatre here in the city and I see no reason to tramp all the ay back to the suburbs and then slog all the way back in. I also had an audition yesterday for something called (and I'm not making this up) "The Great American Nudie Spectacular". It's a sketch comedy show supposedly tweaking the American habit of being offended by nudity but having no problem with violence. What's more terrifying than me actually going to audition for something like this is that they, inexplicably, CAST me. For those of you quaking in your boots, worry not. From what I've read, the nudity appears to be of the feminine variety. And if there IS any male nudity I'm sure they've been smart enough to cast someone young, in shape, and TAN. (The latter being probably the MOST important) So we start rehearsals this Tuesday, which, naturally, is a problem for me because I've crammed my life full of stuff to do and attempts to get work. But they seem to be cool with the conflicts, so all is well. And it only runs for the summer, so that doesn't mess up any of the other stuff I want to do. And it gets me out of the house, which is important, because otherwise I may just sink roots into the couch.

The other stuff that's been going on is that i have been able (being unemployed) to see a bunch of shows in the area. That's a nice change of pace, since I'm usually not able to see shows, even ones my friends are in. Well, now I've seen a number of productions, and all I can say is, why the hell am I still unemployed? The worst offender, and the reason behind the title of this post, was a production of Measure for Measure that I saw a couple of nights ago, directed by a dear friend of mine, and which, had I not been away on tour, she wanted me to be in. Let me say this right now--I have nothing bad to say about the direction of the show. Her vision for it was lovely, and for the most part, it was actually a really enjoyable show, thanks in a large part to the supporting cast, and one or two main characters who did not fall under the disease of which I am about to rant. There were a couple of performances which fell WAY short of any level of professional theatre I would like to see. The sad part is that one of them was the major plum role in the show, which went to a grand high muckety muck of both the theatre which was putting on the show and the theatre which was allowing them to use the space. This was a casting choice my friend was not allowed to challenge, nor did she have any say in it. And this putz was BAD. I mean like "who told you you should try this for a living?" bad. He had all the energy of a com patient, and when he id the scene where he told the novitiate nun that if she slept with him he'd spare her brother's life, there was about as much desire in the scene as in a Republican mixer. There were other performances which were lackluster as well, but he was the most egregious example. And when I talked to my friend, I found out that apparently, these people had decided that there was no reason to listen to the director since thy had all one it in college prior to this, and they knew everything. And for whatever reason, they decided the show didn't require their complete effort or attention, so they just don't try. Which is really sad because there are other actors in this show who ARE trying and who obviously Do want to be doing the show and put their heart and soul into it. Those are the people who help make the show work as much as it does. 

This pisses me off to no end. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that when i left college, I was a cocky son of a bitch as well, and I also thought that I knew way more than I actually did. But at no time, even in my most egotistical, did I ever disregard a director, or give up on a show and not give it my all regardless of how good or bad it was. And personally, I think that any actor who can't be bothered to put the requisite amount of energy into a performance needs to get their ass the hell off the stage out of the theatre, and become a freaking accountant. I am so tired of people who can't be bothered to do the very thing that they supposedly love to do. It's idiots like this that give all artists a bad name, and I wish thy would all just go back to living in their parents' basements and flipping burgers because they are taking jobs (or in this case, forcibly stealing jobs) from others who would be overjoyed to have a role in a show and would actually put some of themselves into it. Acting, or any other artistic pursuit, should be something you do because you love it and can't really imagine what else you COULD do and be happy. It should not be something you do because you just don't want to have to get a real job and act like an adult. You want to waste time and not have to work hard, become a Wal-Mart greeter and get out of my way.  The arts in this country have an anemic enough reception without slugs like these assholes holding it under with uninspired and listless performances until it gasps its last. And understand I am not talking about a level of talent here. The guy I'm talking about could be the most talented yahoo on the planet. ANd I've seen actually quite good performances given by some people who had middling talent but really gave themselves over to the play and gave it their all. What I'm talking about here is the fact this tool wasn't even TRYING. Their was no attempt. It was so phoned in, I could hear the dial tone. If he was untalented and at least trying, I would bemoan the fact that a bureaucrat forced a production to give him a role he wasn't suited for, but I wouldn't be so incensed. At least an untalented guy TRIES. This was an insult to the audience and the director and the production because it implied that none of those three deserved his effort. And that pisses me off. Because I love this business, and I break my ass trying to make it in this business, and I think that the time spent on stage is quite possibly some of the best time  spend in my life, and I really wish I didn't have to deal with lame pricks like this that undermine all of that. 

But hey, all else is going well, and trust me, gentle readers, should I have to drop my pant in the Great American Nudie Spectacular, you can rest assured, I shall be giving it my all.....Pond in 2012--He'll Make Sure You Take It All....

'round round,run around, I run around...

Hello, gentle readers. To save all of you from pining away to nothing, I have returned to amuse and delight you with yet another post. I just wish i had a bunch of stuff that was either amusing or delightful to talk about. Still trying to find work here in Chicago, after having turned down Chamber's offer to return to the road this fall. They went back o the whole, "take as much time as you want" thing once they held NY auditions, and needed an answer by last Friday, which is when I had planned on telling them anyway. So you won't be put through having to read about yet another 4 months of hauling equipment and hoisting prosceniums. And you can all rest easy that you won't have to hear my daily rantings about the math show. Alice, I wish you well in that endeavor.

The days are a little boring, to be honest, when one is unemployed. Unless, of course, you try to get unemployment. I know it's supposed to be a beautiful thing, and many people depend on it. I know we depend on it right now, since both my wife AND I are unemployed. Thank goodness she had a real job, or else we'd have no money whatsoever. Apparently the unemployment office looks at your last 18 months of work. That's lovely, especially considering that half of that time I've been working for Chamber, so I was making solid, steady income sure to result in a boo-coo weekly award from the state. Even dealing with trying to call MA unemployment and being told that I have to deal with IL and have IL deal with MA for me didn't tamp down my optimism. That should have been my first clue that everything was going to go to hell. Anytime I keep resolutely optimistic in the face of bureaucracy, it's for sure that I shall have that optimism thrown back in my face like a drink from a pissed-off girlfriend. So I go onto the IL unemployment website, which itself takes forever to deal with because since it's a government website, it has to be completely user-UNfriendly and impossible to actually place what really happens into its very narrow set of criteria. But I manage to get it to work, or so I thought. Then I sat back and waited for the letter telling me just how much cash I was going to be getting. $112/wk. Yep, gentle readers, you gently read that right. Apparently, they only processed my work with Noble Fool, whih ended the end of March, and Hunter Douglas, which ended the middle of May LAST YEAR. The stuff from MA was nowhere to be found. Understandably, I was upset. But, undeterred, I soldiered on, calling the IL unemployment office, and having the following conversation:

Underpaid toady: "Hello?"

Me: "Hi, I opened a claim online and it seems you guys missed one of my employers, and I was wondering--

Braindead patsy: "Social security number."

Me: (gives it to him. What, you expect me to type it here? I don't have Lifelock....)

Irritating putz: (keyboard clicks) "Yes, you have a claim."

Me: "I know, but you see, they left off one of my employers."

Clueless ass-muncher: "Why is that important?"

Me: "Because I worked for them for the last nine moths and I figure that might affect how much unemployment I get."

Lobotomized monkey: "Yeah, I guess that would. Well, if you want to add an employer you need to come down here and do it."

Me: "I can't do it over the phone?"

Useless twat: "Nope."

End of conversation.

Feeling less optimistic, but refusing to give into complete hopelessness YET, I head on down there with my earnings (which I had to hunt for since, surprisingly, I don't keep nine months worth of check stubs lying around the house) where a very helpful yet slightly befuddled older African American gentleman helps me fill out the forms for adding out of state income. He tells me you're not allowed to file out of state income online (a fact which appears NOWHERE on their website) AND that while they go back 18 months, they only count the first 12 of those months in determining your award. This led me to two conclusions. A) Everything I had earned from January-May was useless as far as these idiots were concerned, and B) It was time to give into despair. Could someone PLEASE tell me why in the name of anything ANYONE finds holy you would go back 18 months but only count 12? What is the point of that? Why not just say you're going back to the previous year? What's the point of making it sound like those last 6 months have anything to do with anything? Suffice it to say, I am annoyed. Since, thanks to that, and to my foolishly allowing them to take taxes out of my unemployment (really? We're taxing this shit as well? My amazement at this may seem odd to anyone out there with real jobs, but I don't try to get unemployment very often--as in never) I am making just under $200/week. Whoo-hoo. Have I mentioned I hate bureaucracy? 

So that, in a word, sucks. But things are looking up, I have multiple auditions for multiple jobs. I had a couple good ones last night, one a season general where I broke out my mad bass playing skillz. (Yes, that's skillz with a z, like Liza. I am just THAT good) and one for a touring kid's theatre, and by turing, I mean locally. I am, however, going to try to get into NY on the 30th to audition for the national non-Eq tour of Wizard of Oz. This is run by the same company that does the tour of Drowsy Chaperone, so I figure any kissing up I can do would be a good thing. Tonight, I have an audition for a production of Man of La Mancha where the casting is apparently going to be gender, age, and ethnicity-blind. I plan on trying out for Aldonza. I'm hoping this isn't the case, but most of the time when I go to audition for theatres that claim to cast like this, they turn out to be pretentious idiots who cast against one of those types just so everyone will talk about how daring their production is, and most of the time, the production is either nothing special or it's just plain bad, proving that sometimes it's a good idea to cast a guy in a guy's role. Just saying. But they for some reason want to see my puppeteering skills on display tonight, so I plan on turning my hand into a cute little character and duetting with it on "Rainbow Connection." And I'm sorry, anyone who is casting Man of La Mancha without regard to gender, age or ethnicity and who ASKS to see puppet skills at an audition has no leg to stand on if they get all up in arms about a relatively silly audition. That's my story, and I'm taking with me to the unemployment line--which will more than likely disregard it and send me home with less than i showed up with. So which way to welfare? Pond in 2012--Your Welfare is His Concern, and His Welfare Better Show Up Before Rent is Due.

Truth in auditioning

Hello all! I know it's been a while since I posted, but to be honest, I haven't been doing a whole hell of a lot this week. Just trying to get back into the swing of not having to do a tour. It's been amazing, getting up at 9 every morning. Usually by then I'd be sitting down for my first cup of tour-made coffee backstage at whatever place we happened to be, having just finished placing all pertinent props and costume pieces. It feels like that was forever ago, and at this time last week I was boarding a bus out of Boston. Time is a strange thing gentle readers, a strange thing indeed. And just to prove that children's theatre is exactly like the Mafia (or would be exactly like the Mafia were the Mafia to exist. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh) yesterday I received an email from Chamber telling me how much Spring and Pat wanted me back this fall and could I please reconsider my decision not to do the fall tour. They were hoping that once I had spent some time at home, I would feel able to come back and do the fall tour. My response is--how bad do they think my home life is? "I know he told us no, but hey, once he has to hang around his house for a few weeks, he'll be BEGGING to get back on the road!" Weird. Of course, one of the main reasons is that Spring apparently had her heart set on me originating one of the roles in the math show. Yeah, THERE'S an incentive to go back. I'm convinced that they realize how bad the show is, and instead of rewriting it so it doesn't suck, they want to try to get people who can turn shit into lemonade. The one nice thing is that I know for a fact that if I went back to do it, I would be working with Alice again, so at least there'd be a friendly face. So being the political wunderkind that I am, I told them I;d give it a week and think it over, careful to express how much I enjoyed working for them (on balance, I did) and how I would be willing to work for them again (I would) but I had to balance personal obligations and local career moves against it. I promised to get back to them quickly so that they wouldn't be left without a cast. That's when it got funny. About an hour later I got an email back from them thanking me for my swift reply and telling me that I didn't have to rush my decision and to take the time I needed to make sure I was REALLY SURE. If they got to a point they needed to cast, they'd contact me. I'm wondering if I can get a Broadway role out of Ms. Sirkin. I think it's time to get all Priceline negotiator on her ass....

So last night I went to audition for a production of Henry V. An OUTDOOR production of Henry V. That shows just how desperate for work I really am. Oh, did I mention it'll run in AUGUST? Oy. But I went because Henry V is a great show, I don't have a bunch of Shakespeare on my resumé, and I also don't have a lot of experience auditioning for it. Plus it'd be nice to get a show for the summer. Well, once I got there, I was hit by the fact that they don't pay. They put it right out there on their little sign on the door of the audition room. Now this in and of itself doesn't bother me. Lots of theatre in Chicago doesn't pay. Hell, lots of theatre in the country doesn't pay. (don't pay? That's a weird sentence.) To be honest, some of the theatre that does pay doesn't pay. (How's that for Zen?) But here's the thing (and for those of you who are sticklers for well-researched fact, I just checked this, so I know I'm right) they didn't put that anywhere in their audition notice. They went to great lengths to tell me when the performance dates were, where the performances were, the age range of people they were looking for, when the rehearsals were, everything. They just neglected to mention that we'd be doing this gratis. I HATE that. Please, if you run a theatre company out there, put that information in your audition notice. We need to know that. Yes, you may lose out on seeing some people who won't audition for places that don't pay, but trust me, you're not getting those people to work for you even if they do come out under false circumstances. To me, that's like a For Rent sign that neglects to put the rent on it. I mean, what's the point? If I can't afford the rent, I'm not going to come look at the apartment, and if they don't pay me, I'm not going to work for them. This is the ost important info you can put in an audition notice. I need to know this before I call you to come in. I don't need to know a number, just that there is or isn't pay. Period. 

All that having been said, I went ahead and auditioned for them anyway, mostly because I was already there, and, as I've said, I haven't had a lot of experience auditioning for Shakespeare, so I figured the practice would be good. They seemed to like me. If they want me, I might do the show, since I plan on spending the summer living off of unemployment anyway, so it wouldn't be hurting my ability to make money. But this is a very rare and special case, and in now way mitigates my anger at the for not disclosing this fact beforehand. And since I am auditioning for a bunch of stuff that pays, they are at the back of the line. Tell the truth, people, and deal with the consequences. That's all I'm asking. Jeez, i seriously need to start a theatre that doesn't screw around with people. Where the hell are the venture capitalists when I need them?? Pond in 2012--He Can Handle the Truth--Can You?

Home again, home again....

Well, jiggety jig, gentle readers, I have returned! It's true, I am finally back in Chicago for to stay, at least until such time as my wife realizes living with me is a lot more difficult than living without me. So I got a few weeks. But seriously, it is very nice to be back, and amazingly, it wasn't quite as hellish as I had expected getting here. 

Our last show was, to put it mildly, a letdown. First of all, it was a private performance, so we had to load into a middle school; a middle school, mind you, that was having a class meet in the auditorium at the same time we were supposed to load in. The show was scheduled to start at 12:30, and we were supposed to start loading in at 9:30, since they were going to feed us prior to the show. Well, according to the administration, we might have had to wait until 10:45 to start loading in, since the class was going to go on for awhile, or they were holding more than one class, or they were a bunch of morons. I never did get the final tally on which it was. But thankfully our school contact was a woman of fortitude, determination, and advanced pregnancy. I figure she walked in, told the principal what she wanted, and threatened to go into labor. I know if I was faced with a woman whose water could break at any second, I'd do anything I could to make sure she stayed calm. So we started a little late, but got to unloading. Oh, did I happen to mention that the temperature this fine day was around 600 degrees? Okay, okay, it wasn't that bad, but it was already in the upper 70's and it wasn't even 10:30 yet, and there was no breeze at all, so load-in was a nasty, sweaty affair. We kind of had crew, which was helpful, but they weren't exactly the buffest of the buff, so that slowed things down a little. Everyone was kind of dragging anyway, since this was the last show, and there were a lot of mixed emotions among the cast. Add to that the fact that we were all just plain old exhausted, and it made for an interesting set up. But we got it, and actually had enough time to go eat without rushing, which is always nice. I was actually looking forward to the last show, despite the fact our dressing rooms were orchestra practice rooms. The last few shows have all gone over really well, and I was looking forward to ending a tour which had been relatively full of high points on a high.

What a shame. The kids just did not seem into what we were doing at all. They got a little interested about halfway through the second act, but for the most part, they were a pretty unresponsive audience, which is NOT the way you want to close out a tour. But as disappointing as that was, I can say that I think we did some really great shows all the way up to the end of the tour. I didn't notice any of us losing energy to any great degree, and despite many of our jokes to the contrary, nobody phoned it in. I think that the group I went out with in spring turned in some very high quality performances, and we also managed to end the tour still liking each other. I will miss my cast, no question. I'm just sorry that Steph, Michael and Josh couldn't have experienced the kind of cast bonding I did on this tour, because I think that would've been a blast. We then loaded out in even hotter weather, which made me want to stab myself in the head, and then headed from Shrewsbury to Boston, where we had to drop off a bunch of stuff before heading to our last hotel. Everybody headed for the hills once we reached the hotel, which was a Best Western in Quincy, right on the water. The only people left were Flo, Bob, and myself. We had a lovely dinner at the pub in the hotel, and then Flo and I polished off a bottle of Jameson in celebration of making it through the tour. All in all, a good way to end.

The next day, I bid a fond and sad adieu to both Bob and Flo and boarded a Greyhound (yes, a Greyhound) bound for Chicago. Greyhounds have come a long way, baby. This one had power outlets and wifi. And leg room! I was amazed. The trip from Boston to Cleveland (yes, Cleveland) was surprisingly smooth and un-annoying, and  spent most of it watching episodes of TV shows I had missed while on tour that Marta had recorded to DVD and sent to me earlier. We had several short layovers to change drivers on the way, which allowed me the opportunity to stretch my legs and marvel at the fact that for the most part, bus stations were still places you don't want to hang out unless absolutely necessary. Then we hit Cleveland (if only!) and I changed buses. That's when I discovered the old Greyhound I had grown to know and avoid. The first bus I had ridden on was technically a Peter Pan bus. (Yeah, I know, it fits just a little too well considering my incredible immaturity, refusal to act in any kind of adult way, and ability to fly) Once I transferred to an actual Greyhound, gone were the outlets, the wifi and the leg room. And since I was doing this transfer at 3:30 in the morning, I wasn't in the best of moods about it. It also didn't help that our driver had all the personality of Tonya Harding during her period. But, all in all, the trip wasn't so bad. I don't ever want to go cross-country on a bus again anytime soon, but I said that back in 1994, and as far as I'm concerned, 15 years was too soon. Maybe the train next time.

So here I am, back home, and already trying to find work. Had an audition and everything today that didn't completely suck. It's a little strange to be back, when I consider I've been touring basically non-stop since last August. I am glad I did the tours, and I enjoyed the experience. I also made friends that I know I'll keep for a very long time, if not forever (i don't like to assume things like that, since I know how I wear on people) and I am very thankful for that. It's also kind of rewarding to know that you can do something like that for an extended period of time and not get beat down by it. Still, I'm looking forward to doing some local theatre where I don't have to build the set every day. I'll keep the blog going, and hopefully there'll be things happening that are post-worthy. of not, I'll just ramble. (Think of that, and fear me, gentle readers!) And remember, vote Pond in 2012--Leave the Driving to Him!

It's all coming back to me now...

Greetings, gentle readers! Today I am in Shrewsbury, MA, ready for my last show of the Chamber Theatre Spring 2009 tour. It's been a hell of a few days, which is why I haven't been online posting, but let me give you a quick recap. Wednesday, we performed in Allentown, PA at the Symphony Center, which is a wonderful space with a crew who really could, I believe, run our show without us there. The show was a little odd, though, as the pacing seemed off. I ascribe that to the fact that 1) Carol is in a lot of pain due to what we have since discovered is sciatica, and 2) a few people were speeding through parts of the show since we had a long drive AND another unloading of the truck to look forward to that evening. But the kids seemed to like the show. And thankfully both the load in and the load out went as smoothly as a baby's ass.....before diaper rash, that is. We then headed out to try to make it from Allentown, PA to Long Island, NY by 5:30. We left the theatre at 1:30. We stopped for lunch (I was in the van) at 2, and left lunch by 2:30. We then proceeded to drive what seemed like six and a half years. It took us a total of 4.5 hours to get to Long Island and the school where we had to unload. At least two of those hours were spent getting through Manhattan. Have I mentioned to anyone how much I HATE NY? It took an excrutiatingly long time to get there. I know it's the city that never sleeps and everything, but could it take a catnap every once in a while? Just while I'm trying to get somewhere? Maybe? The people I really felt sorry for were the people at the middle school who had been told by the office that we would be there by 5:30.  Stupid, stupid office people. We rolled in at 7, and those sweet people not only didn't complain, they had pizza for us. We were helped by their drama teacher and a small crew of middle school theatre girls (and one lone, "I'm mathematically guaranteed to find a girlfriend here due to lack of competition" boy) who were super enthusiastic, even though they had been waiting around doing nothing for 90 minutes. We got the whole thing unloaded, set up and damn near ready to go in a little over an hour, and were back on the road to our hotel, which had (I may have to give up atheism) A HOT TUB! That WORKED! So the day ended very well, and I retired, happy, less sore than before, and almost ready to get up at the butt crack of dawn to do an 8:30 show.

Thursday started out well. We were close enough to the school that we didn't have to leave the hotel until just after 7 for a 7:30 arrival, so it wasn't too bad. We got everything set and ready to go and even though we were forced to use staff bathrooms as dressing rooms, the lack of having to unload the truck and set up in the morning kept us all very mellow. That and the fact the school allowed us to pilfer their coffee. Belgian chocolate, thank you very much. Our crew from the other day came to see the show, and were given front row seats. Our audience consisted of nothing but 8th graders, and if any of you out there have ever performed for eighth graders all by themselves, then you know what a hostile crowd they can be, especially first thing in the morning. But the kids were really into it, and had a great time. It was very heartening to have gone through so damn much work to get that particular performance up and running and then have it so appreciated. We broke down, loaded up, and then got to eat lunch, and were sat in the cafeteria, where some of us were able to eat with a few of the crew members. I always enjoy that, because I think (well, I know) that the kids get a kick out of it, and I have to admit, so do I. I like talking to kids who are so enthusiastic about something that I do for a living and which, quite frankly (and I think we can all agree on this) we professionals tend to get very jaded about. And I don't know about you, but I never get tired of being told how awesome I am. Im telling ya--if middle schoolers could vote, this Presidential bid I'm discussing could be real....

I then drove the truck with Flo from Long Island to Shrewsbury, MA, which was another long ass drive, but thankfully uneventful. We were surprised and delighted to discover than yes, somehow the theatre gods had smiled on us and while this Courtyard by Marriott does not have free breakfast, it DID have...A HOT TUB! ANd quite possibly the best hot tub ever. It was both nice and toasty, but also, the jets alongside the tub were tilted upwards, so the water shot up the back wall. Why is this so cool, you ask? Well, allow me to elucidate. When the jets are pointed in that way, the water actually shoots up your back and massages things like your shoulders. You know, the places that need it. When the jets are adjusted to shoot straight into the tub (as they usually are) AND since they are usually situated right at seat level, what you get (if you're a guy) is the uncomfortable and embarrassing occurrence of having the jet blow the water straight into your trunks. ANd if you wear baggy trunks and not speedos (And let's all breathe a sigh of relief and appreciation that I do NOT wear speedos) your trunks have a tendency to then inflate like a hot air balloon, causing you to either look like your entire crotch area is swelling up with elephantitis, or to suddenly have that air escape, making all and sundry think you just farted a 21 gun salute into the hot tub. So thank you, Courtyard by Marriott, thank you for keeping that from happening. You are aces in my book, which of course, I'm sure you care about.

So that is the recap, gentle readers. I shall try to blog tonight before my Greyhound excursion tomorrow morning, but I make no promises. What I do promise i that this blog shall not disappear once I return to Chicago. There's plenty of silly and stupid for me to rail against, and how often does crazy shit NOT happen in a theatre career? So rest assured (or beat your head against a wall in despair) I shall continue to post. After all, I still have a little over 2 years before the election, so I have to campaign HARD! Vote for Pond in 2012--A Hard man for a Hard job....