So after signing the release to reassure the people that we wouldn't sue them should our silly determination result in an injury to something other than our dignity, I climbed aboard the bull, being more than willing to be first. I did that because since Flo is from Texas and has ridden horses if not bulls, I would look less pathetic if I went before her. I discovered just how wrong I can be. Before I get too much in detail about my horrific defeat, in my defense I would like to point out a few facts. 1) I am an Irish guy from Wisconsin--I'm not supposed to be good at this. 2) The bull was made out of hard plastic, which is very slippery, rather than fake hide or some other kind of surface I have seen other bulls made of. 3) There was likewise no saddle on the bull to diminish the slipperiness of the bull and 4) They told me to squeeze my thighs together to stay on, which on a slippery bull, does nothing but push you up and off the bull. Now that those disclaimers have been disclaimed, I'll tell you of my humiliation. I got on the bull sans shoes, and grabbed onto the rope that was protruding from the bull's back, throwing my right hand up in the air as one is supposed to do. (At least according to John Travolta in Urban Cowboy) The bartendress started the bull, whom I have dubbed Ferdinand, and I immediately grabbed on with my Urban Cowboy hand in order to keep my city boy ass on his back. And this was at what would be considered a slow walk. But as she increased the speed (from stroll to saunter) I was able to hold on. I believe I held on for at least 8 seconds, at least the first time. But as was inevitable, by the time we hit brisk perambulation, I slid right off of Ferdinand and hit the bounce house floor, much to the delight of Flo and the bartendress. She let me get on again, claiming that what i was about to experience was the hardest level. Internally, I doubted the veracity of that statement, as its truth would make Ferdinand the wussiest mechanical bull on the planet. But I kept my mouth shut, took her statement at face value, and got back on. She then started the bull again, and I had to cling on with all my might to keep from being immediately thrown. This was impeded, of course, by the fact I was laughing my ass off at the futile nature of my attempt and the pure comic genius of putting my ass on a bull. realizing that there was no way in hell I was going to stay on this animal with anything approaching dignity, I determined to fall off in the most incredible way possible. Since it was unlikely I was going to reach speeds necessary to go flying off Ferdinand's back, I decided instead to fall in such a way that had Ferdinand been a REAL bull, I would have immediately been killed in a particularly gruesome and YouTube-worthy way. I think I managed it, since at one point I was hanging on to the rope by one hand while hanging off the side of the bull upside down, yelling that i would not be thrown. Naturally, I was immediately thrown. That's what I'm all about. If I can't succeed, I insist upon failing with incredible style. And I do know that I succeeded, since Flo herself told me that I would have been both trampled AND gored had Ferdinand been real. And really, what else can you ask for?
Unfortunately, Ferdinand was the highlight of Lancaster. We had a 6:30 van call for a 7:00 load-in at a middle school this morning. The first horrible thing about that (other than ALL the previous sentence) is the fact that the free breakfast at the hotel did not start until 7:00, thus making eating before the van call impossible unless you were willing to get up really early and go find food. Thankfully, I had discovered a Starbucks within walkign distance that opened at 6, so Flo, Bob, and myself ended up there first thing in the morning to get something akin to food and coffee. As for the show AT the school, in order to NOT sound like a broken record, I will simply say this: I am sick and tired of this company feeling that the safety and well-being of its actors is less important than the set and lights. Once again we crammed damn near the entire set into a space which was too small for it, and we had to cut half the backstage lights in order to keep the school from blowing up thanks to an overload. On top of that, since there was no real space left on the stage once the set went up, I spent the show leaping over set pieces and lighting instruments in the dark in order to get to my fast change costumes. And since the stage was too shallow for our set, REALLY, we ended up with about 6-8 inches of playing space in front of the set. Since we do 90% of the show in front of the set instead of ON IT, that is a problem. So there we were, leaping over stage mics while trying to do a show for an auditorium of middle schoolers who were interested in pretty much anything but what we were doing. Oh, and all the house lights stayed on through the whole thing. So there went whatever was left of our special effects. Oy. Stop it, just stop it. That's all I have to say.
So now I am in Mars, PA until tomorrow, when we get on the road and head to Milwaukee, WI. Yay! Back to my old stomping grounds. Be afraid, America's Dairyland, be very afraid. But vote for me in 2012--Vote for Pond and He'll Deny Being From WI!
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