Not At All Funny

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. I come to you from Milwaukee, WI, having spent Saturday night at my house in the Chicago area, and then spending today visiting my parents. It was lovely, and the drive yesterday was easy and uneventful. We have a show tomorrow morning at a local college here, Alverno, which promises to be an easy day, so I'm feeling very cool about the upcoming couple of days. What today's post subject line refers to has nothing to do with the tour, or even me. It refers to a news story I read this morning that concerns two 11 year old boys, in different cities, both of whom went home one day, tied something around their necks, and hanged themselves. What could drive 11 year olds to hang themselves? Homophobic taunting at school. Both of these children suffered through months and years of being teased and tortured by being referred to as gay. Neither of these kids were, as far as anyone knows, identified as gay. This teasing had nothing to do with reality of any kind. It was the kind of general taunting that kids do, using gay as a catch-all insult but also knowing instinctively that it's the kind of insult that will get the biggest bang for their bullying buck. Considering the fact this is the age when sex is starting to become a force in these kids' lives, the idea of insulting others for being outside the "norm" sexually speaking is the greatest thing a bully can come up with. They know everyone is nervous and embarrassed about sex (hell, THEY are themselves) so there's no way they're not going to get a rise out of people by calling them gay or fag or queer or girly. Take your pick. When I was a kid, not only was gay a big deal, but the concept that someone might masturbate was also used as an insult. I've never understood it, but I guess it had something to do with the idea of having to jack off instead of getting laid. This was in third grade. 

I understand that kids at a certain age are always going to go after the different or the strange, and that to a certain extent, this is something that you're never going to be able to change. To a certain extent, being made fun of is part of growing up, and to attempt to remove it completely from our children's lives is both wrong-headed and impossible. But this was not normal or usual name calling. This was incessant and unrelenting, pervasive and cruel. These two boys were apparently the targets of groups of kids who were out to do nothing but make every moment of their lives living hell. That is NOT part of growing up. There was no indication in the story (blog, really) I read about any intervention that may or may not have happened, any action taken by the schools they attended, or any involvement of the parents. It is possible neither of these kids told anyone what was going on. That is typical of victims of bullying, especially this type. It is also possible that they may have told their parents and teachers who may have been either unable or unwilling to assist. From my experiences both as a victim of bullying as a kid and researching the subject in my work with the touring shows I've done with Boom Troupe, I know firsthand that many times even if kids do tell adults in their lives that bullying is going on, they are either ignored, told there is nothing that can be done because it is their word against the other kids, or in some cases, told to grow up and deal with it. That is unacceptable. But what's even worse is when adults encourage the kind of torment these kids went through. WHat I'm talking about is the fact that when it comes to the type of teasing these kids had to deal with, it's adults that feed it. Sex teasing has to start with adults, because kids are ignorant of the subject. They take on the opinions they are exposed to. The story I read showed studies that found black kids are more exposed to this kind of teasing, and the explanation offered is because black adults feel that homosexuality is morally wrong and disgusting in a greater percentage than whites and Hispanics. And as the adults expound, their kids soak those opinions up and spit it back out at kids whom they dislike for whatever reason. We wonder why kids do these things even as we throw out words like fag and queer and worse without thinking of them. We toss out stereotypes of homosexuals callously, without thinking of the effect that has. These kids see the vitriol we exhibit when subjects like gay rights and gay marriage come up, and we still somehow wonder how it is they can be so cruel. They reflect US. They are the innocent voices mouthing our hatreds. And they are the innocent bodies that receive the blows of that hatred. Kids can't see how none of this will matter in a few years. They don't understand that the kids who are making fun of them might be acting out to make themselves feel less insecure about themselves. They can't take the long view. Their entire world is their school and the people therein. So it's damn near impossible for some kids to be able to deal with things like this, especially when it is unending and relentless. And so, these two kids took their own lives rather than live another day being tormented. And we ask ourselves how this can happen. We ask ourselves how kids can be so mean. We ask ourselves why no-one stepped in. And the answer is simple. Because we allowed it. We encouraged it. Our inability to accept allowed these kids to die. We as adults have to be able to let go of the distrust and dislike we hold for those who are different than us, and learn to accept. You don't have to like it, just live and let live. Because your feelings about who screws whom is not worth kids hanging themselves to make the taunting stop.