My fellow Americans....

Greetings from York, PA, one of the few cities we have been to on this tour where the hotel was actually near something that resembled civilization! And we got here really early in the day! It was just plain lovely. The show today was very nice--we performed at a concert hall. These are typically very difficult because of the fact that concert halls are not built for theatrical presentations, they are built for concerts. BUT, this one at least had masking on the stage so we were able to keep props and costumes within easy reach, and the stage itself was of a decent size, so there really were very few problems. The biggest one came in finding the building in the first place. Levitt had gone on venue run yesterday, but had taken Alice instead of Schneider, since Schneider was in the truck a good distance away and Levitt didn't want to wait. If she had waited, Schneider might have been able to tell her the building she thought was ours wasn't and it was the building across the street. Alice realized it, but Alice doesn't tell Levitt things because Levitt barks at her when she does. So we pull up in front of the wrong building, then spend half an hour finding the right building and backing the truck along the curved driveway to the loading dock. That wouldn't normally be that big a deal except for the fact that the curving driveway is really narrow AND there is a line of pickups and minivans along one side of it. And the building along the other side. Schneider earned his pay this morning, that's all I have to say. But once at the dock, everything proceeded smoothly,a nd the kids, while not the "YEAH!" type of crowd, really enjoyed the show. I drove the truck with Flo to York, and we had lunch at Bob Evans on the way, and I had Panera for dinner, so all in all, today was a really good day.

This, however, leaves me at loose ends, as there is precious little to rant about in this evening's post. Now, there may be some of you out there who look forward to such a dilemma because you think it means I'm going to keep my mouth shut for at least one night. Nay, foolish mortals! (And if you ARE one of those people, you obviously are not someone who has known me for any length of time whatsoever...) Tonight I decided that since I've been beating you over the head with campaign slogans for my Presidential bid in 2012, I would do you all the favor of explaining to the electorate exactly what y platform will consist of. So sit back, relax, and be afraid. Be very afraid....

THE ECONOMY: Let's get the ball rolling with the big one. This is the subject everyone's terrified of, and it's the one on everyone's mind. So let me lay this out very simply. The economy is voodoo. WHat? You ask. It's simple. The economy works when we believe it works, and it fails because we believe it fails. Stay with me here. It's not as stupid as it sounds. Let's take a look at the big symbol of the economy--the stock market. People use the stock market to predict whether we're getting into or out of a recession, right? All the economic pundits talk about how the market dropped or rose and bear this and bull that. Think about it. The stock market recently rose 500 points just because Geithner explained the plan to improve the economy. They didn't DO anything to the economy. They didn't even put the plan into effect. They just said, "we have a plan, and here it is." We can't even say it happened because it was a good plan because there are a lot of talking heads who say it isn't. It went up because people said, "There's a plan. Things will get better. We're not in as MUCH chaos as we were. I feel better." That's LUDICROUS. It's even more ludicrous to use THAT as a reason to say the recession might be shorter than we thought. Prices for stock go up because people think they want it. And if people buy it, then other people think they want it, and THEY buy it, which makes the price go up because now there's demand of an ever-decreasing supply of stock. Then, when the vast majority of the stock's been bought, the price is as high as anybody thinks it can go, people sell, which drives down the price, which makes other people sell which drives the price down more, and then people start throwing it away. Look at all the bubbles we've had. The dot coms didn't DO anything, yet people were becoming millionaires in one day. The housing market was the same way--because of the fact that so many people were willing to buy houses, and the fact that people were willing to finance ay house to anybody, the price of houses went through the roof. Real estate got incredibly inflated. Then all of a sudden, people couldn't pay, or a contractor put up seven thousand new homes and everyone in the area had already bought one and these others sat empty. What does that do? It devalues the price of the home. And all of a sudden people are losing money, and they try to call in the loans they made, which people can't afford because no-one in their right mind can afford them. So they try to sell the house and that drives the price down, which makes other people want to sell, only they can't because now their house isn't worth what they paid for it. But guess what--IT NEVER WAS.

So what to do about it? Well, one of the things that obviously led to this whole debacle is that nobody was watching out what was going on, and that needs to change. I'm not talking about going in and having the federal government run banks. The last thing we need is the federal government trying to balance a checkbook. But I see no reason why there can't be federal oversight checking out all avenues of commerce to make sure that what is going on is above board and legal and ethical. I'm not trying to make it so people can't make a profit, but the way some of these people went after consumers, it was just predatory. And yes people need to be willing to take some time and read things and have other people explain it to them--people who are NOT the ones who are going to profit from the deal. Home buying is tough and complicated, but for the love of god, if something seems too good to be true, then IT IS. You have to wait. Do it smart. And this brings me back to the economy being voodoo. We say there's a housing crisis because a bunch of homes are being foreclosed on because the people who own them can't pay the mortgages. Well, the financing was based on what the home was purported to be worth when it was bought, right? I think it's obvious to all and sundry that the homes sold weren't really worth that much. And that's obvious because people had been talking for a few years about the housing bubble bursting. That means these homes were at an unnaturally inflated value. So the easiest way to fix this whole thing? Declare an amnesty. All the money that's being lost is on paper right now. They're entries in books and spreadsheets. So, for the banks--reassess the homes, at reasonable prices. What are they REALLY worth, not what were they worth in a market crazy for them. Then go to the finance companies and say, okay, here's what the thing is really worth, let's get together with the homeowners and come up with something that they can afford to pay off THIS amount of money, less anything already paid in, plus a percentage of what's owed. Now, this means that everybody's going to take a loss on the deal. BUT it will be far less of a loss than if the houses foreclose. Nobody's credit goes to hell (which is another bunch of voodoo, but whatever) the banks don't have to write anybody off, and everybody gets some money. And it means money keeps flowing, which is the biggest problem in a recession. PLUS, since the banks are still making money, they HAVE money to lend IN A SENSIBLE and RESPONSIBLE way, to other people who wish to buy homes. And that's where the federal government comes in. They oversee lending practices and make sure no-one's being greedy and unethical. You know, like they're SUPPOSED to. Now, this means banks and lending institutions are going to be a little shaky for a little while, but again, we're dealing in imaginary money right now. Instead of sending in a bunch of money we don't have to buy up bad debts, let's just tell everyone, okay, all the losses and everything else--they don't count. We all just agree to start over. The government forgives any taxes owed on these things and we take a deep breath and move on, a little wiser and a LOT more careful.

JOBLESSNESS: Okay, right now people are losing their jobs because businesses are having trouble making money because people aren't spending because the economy is so bad because people are losing their jobs. See above. A lot of the unemployment problem will rectify itself once we get the rest of the economy moving, because confidence breeds spending (voodoo, remember?) and spending breeds income, which breeds job security. Another thing to do is for the American people to quit being so damn snobby and start doing crap jobs that regularly get outsourced or go to illegal immigrants. And how do we do this? Well, here's one way--under my administration, there will be no job that does not make at least the federal minimum wage. None of this, well, you make tips so I will only pay you $2/hr bullshit. This removes the incentive to hire people willing to work for less than the minimum wage. And here's a crazy idea, let's tie the federal minimum wage to something that makes sense, like the cost of living. What's the point of having a minimum wage if being ON it doesn't allow you to make a living? Where's the intelligence in that? And let's see what we can do about actually making federal retraining programs workable, because getting a job's easier when you know how to DO a job.

TAXES: Okay, here's the thing. The tax system in this country is screwed. Period. We all know it. SO what do we do about it? Well, one plan is that we keep the structure of the tax system and do something mildly radical--we go back to what income tax was supposed to be--a graduated system based on your income. That means the more money you make, the more tax you pay. Period. I don't give a shit who you wine and dine, I don't give a shit how many pieces of a city's skyline you own, if you make a shitload of money, then you pay more in taxes. None of this 90,000 loopholes bullshit. Every tax level gets a standard deduction, increased by their level. ANd they all pay a certain percentage, which also increases by their level. SO you figure out how much you made, how much we already took out, how much your deduction is, and how much you may still owe. And if that means you made $300,000,000 and you end up owing $1.5 million, then so be it. Live with it. You Make $300,000,000 for chrissakes! How much do you really freaking need?

Another plan is to make the withholding actually withhold the amount you will owe. So at the end of the year, there's no extra tax, because as far as I'm concerned, the way we tax now we tax the same money twice, and that's unfair. We tax it once when we withhold from your check, then we tax it AGAIN on your tax return before we allow you to take deductions. It SHOULD be unconstitutional. So under this plan, your withholding would probably be higher, then at the end of the year, you subtract your deduction from what you've paid, and get a check. No payment necessary.

But wait, Andrew? What about people who have jobs where they don't take out taxes?? OH, sorry, did I not tell you? There won't BE any of those jobs anymore. Everyone takes out taxes. The only way to get around that is to pay in cash, and if you do that, then keep the money with my blessing.

But all of these plans are backups and I don't like them as much as my plan A--get rid of income tax and switch to a national sales tax. That's how you get a graduated tax system. Rich people love to buy shit. So, you tax them on their purchases. And if they purchase anything over a certain dollar amount, there's a luxury tax added on. For regular people, there will be the sales tax as well, but ti won't apply to the same things it doesn't apply to now--necessities and such. And since the sales tax will be something like, say 15%, the amount of money they'll be getting by having their entire paycheck paid to them will more than make up for what they're spending. Now, here's why it won't bankrupt this country. A) We are the biggest consumer nation on the planet. We NEVER really stop buying, so we'll have a steady stream of tax money coming in. B) Even with extra money coming in, Americans are Americans and will spend more than they have, so we will be getting taxes from money that doesn't even exist. C)This plan will actually ease some of the expenses of this country, because if you give people more money, then a good number of them will do sill things like save and invest, which down the road means they'll have more money when they retire, which will ease the burdens of government plans like Social Security (which you'll still have removed from the check) and Medicare. I daresay we'll end up with more money than under the present system. And the best part is at the end of the year, the government doesn't have to give any of that money BACK.

This also solves some of the illegal immigrant problem. They want to come here and work, then fine. This way, they pay taxes as well. But as for IMMIGRATION, its simple. You want to come and work here, that's fine. Come on in. But you'll become a citizen and you'll learn enough English to get along. That's called courtesy. If I moved to Cuba to work, I'd damn well learn Spanish. If you don't, then you go. Period. And since there will no longer be any incentive to hire illegals because every job MUST pay the minimum wage, the demand for cheap labor will no longer support people who don't want to follow those two simple rules.

Well, gentle readers, that's enough for now. Tune in tomorrow night for my take on health care, education, and the war on terror. And remember--Pond in 2012--Why Not?